More often than not, our lives are not what we expected them to be, when we, as kids, imagined ourselves grown-up. Every person, at some point, must grieve the loss of the life they imagined for themself. This is what I'm going through right now.
The life that I have now is not what I dreamt it would be like. When I was a younger, I dreamt I would graduate from Harding University, be married with a wife and children, living somewhere in Texas, serving as a worship leader for a large church, living comfortably in a house on some land, my family and I being pillars of the church. Things are the things I wanted for myself. Being gay, living in New York, having no children, working as a nurse, these things were never part of my dream.
I'm mourning now the loss of my dream. It will never come true, and I understand that and it's a better thing in the end, as I'm living more true to myself. God has brought me to where I am and I trust Him. But that doesn't mean that it still doesn't sting sometimes. It stung a little more than usual this past week when I went to go visit by older brother Josh and his family in Searcy. In many ways, he has the life that I wanted. That sucks a little bit, for me.
People who do not take the time to mourn the loss of their dream life, dream job, dream spouse, etc., will find disappointment over and over again as reality does not match their dream. The important thing is that I need to meet God where He is and follow His lead.
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8 comments:
You are wise to allow yourself a little time to admit the loss of the dream and mourn for that dream. Then move on into the future. I don't know anyone who is actually living in plan A. Most of us are way down the list past plan B. God knows what he has planned for us, and often the plan is far grander that the plan A dream. It takes a lot of faith and courage to walk into the unknown. There are dark valleys, but I know green pastures of exquisite beauty are before you. I know you are happy for your brother, but you are not your brother. Live your life with the abundant joy God has given to you.
This is such a true post. Do you mind if I link to you?
Thanks, JTB. Feel free to link to me.
I got here via JTB's link to your post. I just wanted to thank you for voicing this grief as it speaks to my own grief over the various losses in my life. I appreciate your willingness to be so transparent. peace.
No matter how successful, each of us lives a life departed from that which we once imagined. But that's OK for if we remain faithful God leads us to waters clearer and pastures greener than we could ever imagine. He is in control and He knows the very number of hairs on our head. (in your case that's not very many, but I digress) Why should you be like your brother? Embrace your you. Everyone else has, most importantly God.
i'm new to your blog, and this is the first post i read. i ran across this post from a link on jtb's blog. my name is meg. i was surprised to see that i know people you know, like joe hays. i've spent time with the guys at bronx fellowship and hope to come up and live life with them or somewhere nearby. upon coming across your post, i cried. you said what i had been suppressing for a while now. any way we could talk a bit more through email? i don't blog much, but am wanting to talk to someone who understands. let me know. thanks. megthenut@gmail.com
Nate,
must add that Sunday's communion meditation based on this post was also incredible--what a marvelous hermeneutical move to Jesus in the garden, grieving the loss of the life he must have anticipated, (that probably looked a lot like yours (wife, kids, worship leader even???)). Thanks so much for sharing this in person with all of us as well as posting it here.
a blog friend of mine (a fellow ACU alum of mine) sent me the link to this post after she read a post from my blog yesterday. I really appreciate what you have said here. Not sure what else to say but thanks.
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