Me tengo que mudar de casa

I had an interesting conversation with my landlady yesterday, who is also a friend of mine. She's a Christian, so am I, so we share that in common. She had left a note inside my apartment yesterday morning asking me to stop by and see her when I got a chance, so I went directly. I had somethings I wanted to talk to her about as well, as she had been helped herself into the apartment at 5am yesterday morning, turned on the hall light, woke me up, and made a comment about how the electricity bill was higher than it should be on account of me and my space heater. Then she walked back out. Needless to say, I was irked.

A little background info: Wilber stays over sometimes at my apartment. It doesn't mean that we're "up to no good" or engaging in debauchery. It's just that he lives in Queens, I in Brooklyn, and sometimes it's more convenient to stay over than to make the hour plus commute back home on the subway late at night.

She told me that she has rules for the apartment and one of them is that "significant others" are not allowed to spend the night. She said it has been the rules for all the previous tenants and it applies to me as well. Wilber is not allowed to stay the night. I calmly explained to her that I am an adult, capable of making my own decisions, paying my rent on time, and for her to interfere with that part of my life seems unfair. I already have a mother who takes does her job very well. I don't need another one.

I explained that I'm a Christian and make my daily decisions as such and do not believe that Wilber's staying over dishonors God. She disagrees. She has a moral objection to my homosexual orientation and my relationship. She told me that if I am not willing to abide by her rules for the apartment, then I am "at will to go live somewhere else." In other words, if I want to keep seeing Wilber and have him over in my home, then I best be on my way.

I was 1) ticked off 2) insulted 3) hurt 4) annoyed 5) ticked off again. This was the cylce of my emotions yesterday. I told her kindly, calmly, that I would likely be searching for another place to live, as her rules seemed unfair. I am not her child, I am her tenant.

I was torn up yesterday. There's this voice in my head that says "This is God telling you to wakeup, that your relationship with Wilber is not okay with Him." I hate this voice, God, how I hate it. It haunts me and eats at me and at times attempts to destroy me. It says, "Dig in deeper, hold on stronger, you can overcome anything..." It's the voice of twisted Christianity telling me I'm impure and unwhole and an abomination. I blame it on the Church, on Satan, on my own insecurities in my faith. It's wrong. It does not come from God.

The other voice says, this apartment was a blessing while it lasted, but now it's time to move on in life. Change of venue. Let's go with grace, Nate.

On my knees last night, the tears began to come and I realized the thing that hurt the most from my conversation with my landlady was the implication that her Christianity is better than mine, that she has the right answers, that she speaks as the moral authority in my life. I am angered by her insinuation that I am not the Christian I ought to be, that my beliefs are tainted, that my faith is something less than hers. I am frustrated by her judgement, coming from a sister in Christ.

So, I'll be looking for a new place to live now. Someplace where I am welcome and Wilber is welcome and hopefully, the owner/super won't come vist before 8am. I appreciate prayers.

Amazing Grace

This coming Friday, February 23, marks the release of the highly anticipated movie Amazing Grace. I saw the trailer for this movie a couple of months ago and promised right then that I would see the movie. The trailer had me in tears on account of the powerful music. Pipes and drums are among the most beautiful, regal, yet simple expressions of music. I'm very much looking forward to seeing it this weekend.

Coupled with the release of the movie is a campaign entitled The Amazing Change. The purpose of this campaign, in short, is to abolish modern-day slavery. Check out the website. Sign the petition. Get involved.

More about the movie and the campaign in the days to come.

Say It With A Mix-Tape

This past Wednesday was mine and Wilber's four-month anniversary. It also coincided with Valentine's Day, so a gift was in order. What is the appropriate gift for the four-month anniversary? Paper? Wood? A mix-tape? Ah, yes. That's the one.

I like mix-taps a whole lot. Folks these days have the playlist equivalent, but I like the idea of the tape/CD itself. Something tangible. I also am keenly aware of music and its capacity to evoke emotion and I like to share that with others. So, I made Wilber a mix-tape. Cheesy, a bit. But very sweet. Here's a few of the songs I included:

• A Love That Will Never Grow Old (Emmylou Harris)
• All I Ask Of You (Phantom of the Opera)
• Annie's Song (John Denver)
• Let It Be Me (Willie Nelson)
• Somewhere (West Side Story)

So how about you? Have you ever given or received a mix-tape? What was on it? Or what's on your favorite playlist, if pre-ipod music technology escaped you?

Transparency

I'm reading a new book right now. It's a Christian book. This is the first book I've ever read by this particular author. Her work comes highly recommended by another author that I like, so I decided to give her stuff a try.

The characteristic that strikes me most about this author is her transparency. She's a Christian, first. However, her writing style is unlike most contemporary Christian authors. She drops the f-bomb a lot, openly resents (though strives to love and forgive) the Bush White House, speaks about how at times she is so angry and confused with her son that she wants to hurt him, and writes candidly about her life before she was clean and sober.

This stuff was a distraction for me, initially. How very un-Christlike of her to say those words, think those thoughts. Then the Lord checked my attitude on the 3 train, coming home from school this morning. Nate, she's real, she's genuine, she says and does the same things you do. Only she doesn't hide it. She is transparent in her life.

I try to be transparent, but often am not.

• When I read my Christian books on the train, I secretly feel holy as I look around at what others are reading. How very phariseic of me.
• When I see people on the street, I judge them by the color of their skin. I don't want to, and I resent the society I grew up in that still favors segregation, despite what we say.
• When I pray, I use nice words and follow formulas. God desires a genuine heart in prayer, no matter how ugly, broken, angry, or reverent I am feeling.
• I give away money to people so they will like me.

God desires transparency in all things, I'm learning. I am transparent with my family because they are the people I love most in the world, and sharing together keeps us all humble. Christ's Church for Brooklyn is transparent. We bare all to each other, and it's ugly and beautiful.

God, that we would all be transparent in our lives. Withholding shame, judgement, and pretense. That we would present ourselves to You and to one another as we ought. Forgive us when we do not.