Love's Final Victory

If supreme power lies on the side of supreme love, then none of us [my emphasis], whether Christian, Muslim, or atheist, need fear that the One who loved us into existence in the first place might wantonly abandon us in the end. Nor need we worry that an honest mistake in theology will somehow jeopardize our future. For if a perfectly loving Creator does exist, then he knows us from the inside out far better than we know ourselves; he appreciates the ambiguities, the confusions, and the perplexities we face far better than we do; and he understands the historical and cultural factors that shape our beliefs far better than any historian does. Such a Creator--so loving, intimate, and wise--would know how to work with us in infinitely complex ways, how to shatter our illusions and transform our thinking when necessary, and how best to reveal himself to us in the end.



For though our present choices cannot alter our final destiny, they most assuredly can affect our chances for happiness in the present and in the near term future; and though our glorious inheritance cannot elude us forever, it most assuredly can elude us for a lifetime, or perhaps even several lifetimes. So our choices do have very real consequences in our lives; indeed, these consequences are one of the means by which God will transform us in the end and thereby secure our final destiny. When we finally weary of our own selfishness, petty jealousies, and lust for power; when we learn at last, perhaps through bitter experience, that these lead only to ruin and cannot bring enduring happiness, that nothing short of union with God and reconciliation with others will satisfy our deepest yearnings; when we discover that the Hound of Heaven has finally closed off every alternative to such a union, we shall then, each of us, finally embrace the destiny that is ours.

Thomas Talbott, The Inescapable Love of God (Universal Publishers: USA, 1999), p. 218.

I just finished reading The Commitment by Dan Savage. It's a humorous memoir that chronicles Dan and his partner Terry's decision to marry, or not to marry, taking into account the strong opinions of their six year-old son, D.J.

I've thought about gay marriage quite a bit recently because it's in the news and because Joe Solmonese frequents my inbox with persuasive emails about how I should be a better gay. I have always considered myself to be a traditional gay man. That is, I envisioned myself falling in love with the man of my dreams, getting married, and then adopting 2-4 children. I believe that we deserve equal rights, including the right to marry. Anything less is injustice.

But Savage makes this point:

"We also weren't sure we were prepared to sacrifice the one thing gay relationships have always had over straight relationships: their quiet dignity. Straight couples that want their relationships to be taken seriously have always had to jump through the marital hoop, but not gay couples...Unlike heterosexuals, we had to do the hard work of building a life together in order to be taken seriously, something we did without any legal entanglements or incentives...when our relationships were taken seriously it was by virtue of their duration..."

I had never thought about the issue this way before. Savage is right. There is a quiet dignity about lasting same-sex relationships. That is evident in the couples I know from church and elsewhere.

I'm pretty sure I still want to be married someday (and not some dumbed-down version, like civil unions). But I'm only pretty sure. I'm not certain.

Familiar

About a month ago, I started working the night shift in the ICU. I did nights in New York, but started working days when I moved to Austin. A change in jobs was necessary, so I left my 8a-4:30p, M-F job and got this new gig in ICU. The job is busy/stress-filled if anything, but that's another post for another time.

Switching to the night shift has brought back a flood of old patterns. It takes me right back to living in New York and working my nights in ICU there. You see, working the night shift wreaks havoc on the sleep-wake cycle. Even on my nights off, my sleep schedule is messed up and so I'm up most of the night, wishing I was asleep like Abel and the dogs. I've taken to sleeping by myself so my tossing and turning and book-light won't disturb the rest of the house. Laying alone in my bed, staring at the ceiling, I feel exactly like I used to in New York. It's eerily familiar.

When I was living in Queens, on nights that I couldn't sleep I would read or watch TV til about 5am, then walk to the diner near my house and enjoy breakfast with the construction workers and delivery drivers. The diner was teeming with life at 5am.

So this morning, I decided to re-instate my diner tradition. I made the fifteen minute drive (not fifteen minute walk) to the 24 diner in search of waffles and eggs and a cup of decaf. To my surprise, there was one other person in the diner. One! And he was a (gay!) student who was immersed in his omelette and textbooks. Not hardly the construction worker-type I anticipated

The upside of being awake all night, if there is one, is that I have more time to read, contemplate, and reminisce. And time to think about blogging again. Here's to all of that, and to finding a prescription for Ambien.

A Franciscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen.

Thoughts on God(s)

I've been thinking a lot lately about the enormity of the universe. I mean, one million Earths could fit inside the sun. One million! That's how small we are. Earth lies 91.4 million miles from the sun. Think on that. The planets are tens of millions of miles apart from each other. And that's just our known solar system. Who knows what else is out there in the universe? There's got to be other stuff; other life.

I think that when we were taught that God is the God of the universe, they were actually meaning he was the God of Earth. Right? All we learn about the existence of God is from the Bible, written by human beings, who lived on Earth. And they didn't live here all that long ago, considering how long Earth has been around. The story of Jesus is compelling. But again, it's the story of a man, who lived on Earth. Nowhere else. And this guy Jesus is God's only son? His only progeny? That seems unlikely if God is so big and is god of the entire universe.

If there are other forms of (intelligent) life somewhere in the cosmos, who is the god of them? Is it our God? And what about their salvation? Could our God have other sons (or daughters) who are tied up in the salvation of other intelligent life? Or are their other gods who are omnipresent over other parts of the solar system?

What I'm saying is that it's not all as simple as I've been lead to believe. I say my prayers, but I confess when I say them that I don't know where God is and if he is only the god of Earth or the whole universe or what?

I hear people say that God knows no bounds and is everywhere and isn't confined to time and space. I guess. I've never doubted how big God is until recently. Is it possible that the whole universe is too big, too immense, for just one god? I'm wondering...

Going on, what is heaven? And who is it for? For human beings on planet Earth? Or for all forms of intelligent life (capable of reason) who inherit salvation? Or is it something mentioned in the Bible, a human book of faith, to give us hope for something after we die?

I don't know, folks. I just don't know. I'll still keep saying prayers and going to church on occassion, but I've got some serious questions. Let me know if you've got answers.

UBC

Since I've moved to Austin, when I make it to church, I go to University Baptist Church. It's a lovely, open and affirming community of faith. A couple of weeks ago, Abel, Casey, Michael and me were fortunate to attend an interfaith pride service at UBC. I intended to blog about it, but Casey is more eloquent than I, so I encourage you to read her post about the service.

Dear New York,

Dear New York,

As I prepare to leave ye for the Lone Star State, an expression of my gratitude is in order.

When I arrived in a Penske moving truck some six and a half years ago, you welcomed me, as you welcome every other twenty-something who wants a piece of the NYC life. My time with you has been valuable. I will leave your five boroughs a changed man. Thank you...

• Thank you for showing me that diversity is essential.
• Thank you for toughening my skin. I curse more than I used to.
• Thank you for teaching me a new meaning of the word "fresh". I am fresh.
• Thank you for showing me that people of God do not look a particular way or seek you in a particular place.
• Thank you for providing an atmosphere where I can understand who I wholly am.
• Thank you for introducing me to learned, compassionate friends.
• Thank you for CCfB (see previous two thank yous).
• Thank you for Manhattan Church.
• Thank you for Praise Team.
• Thank you for your nurses, doctors, and hospital staff who have shown me how to care for the sick.
• Thank you for Calvary.
• Thank you for Bellevue.
• Thank you for 24-hour bodegas.
• Thank you for Nectar Coffe Shop.
• Thank you for Paul, Casey, Caleb, Jeremy, Shaun, Seth, LeRoy, Jeff, and Tulio who provided companionship as roommates and taught me things about life.
• Thank you for Chelsea. Next to Disneyworld, it's the happiest place on Earth.
• Thank you for Brooklyn, and then Queens.
• Thank you for weekend trips.
• Thank you for the Chrysler Building and the Brooklyn Bridge.
• Thank you for the good people at Dunkin' Donuts on 28th and 3rd.
• Thank you for oxtail, spinach pie, perogies, and Brooklyn Lager, which I had never tried before we met.
• Thank you for Broadway.

To the people who I have known and loved here, I hope to see you down the road.


To my family who I have been away from for the last seven years, I'm coming home. See you soon for dinner.


Love,
Nate

Homeward Bound

After six plus years of living and loving New York, I'm going home.


It hasn't really set in yet, at least not consistently. It hits me at strange intervals and I find myself with tears in my eyes while reading the NYC Subway map or walking through my neighborhood to the grocery store. Leaving Austin to move to New York was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I would be naive to think that it won't be just as hard to leave New York.


Things I'm excited about? I'm excited about working as a nurse in Texas...I've never done that before. I'll see what the culture of caring is like outside New York. I'm excited about living in South Austin again. I'm excited about eating Texas BBQ whenever I want (Pok-e-Jo's!). I'm excited about seeing my family once a week instead of twice a year. I'm excited that Abel and I will be in the same place and not a plane ride apart.


I'm supposed to start work in Austin the beginning of March, so that puts me leaving New York sometime mid-February. I know it's going to be an emotionally-charged next couple of months. I hope it flies by because I'm ready to be in Austin now. I also hope that it goes by slow enough for me to reminisce and appreciate the things I love about New York. Counting the days...

The Case for Gay Marriage

Props to Newsweek for running this cover story, "Our Mutual Joy", in their most recent issue. This article explores the religious case for gay marriage. It's worth reading.

I adhere to a gospel of inclusion, to the belief that God is a God of love, justice, and mercy, that all are welcome at the Lord's table. Gay marriage just makes sense.

Blog Action Day 2008 - Poverty

Today, October 15, is Blog Action Day. Check out the website.

It's easy to become overwhelmed by poverty. Am I doing enough? Can we even make a difference?

I used to think it was important to give money to anyone who asked for it on the streets. Sadly, people who pull out their wallets on the street are easy targets of crime. I no longer advocate giving to panhandlers. It's dangerous.

So, how to make a difference? Get involved with something that matters to you. What is important to you when you think about getting people out of poverty? Is it clean water? Housing the homeless? Educational supplies for impoverished children? Supporting a local orphanage?

There are countless, reputable organizations out there who target each of these specific needs. Pick one that speaks to you and offer them your support. If we each make a difference in a small way, together we will make a difference in a BIG way.

Here are a couple of suggestions:

• Agua Para La Vida (Water for Life)
• Children International

The Fam

I spent this past weekend in southwestern Oklahoma at the Quartz Mountain Resort (yes, resort, not reservation). It was a Jones family reunion which doubled as a surprise birthday gift for my Grammy who turned 75. She had absolutely no idea. We all arrived over the course of a couple of days. Each new carload of people that drove in was a complete surprise to her. The expression on her face and the tears in her eyes were priceless.

We were twenty-four in all. This weekend marked the first time that we have ever all been together. Usually someone can't make a reunion or holiday for whatever reason. But this time, everybody showed. My older brother, Josh, even flew in from Mexico City and then flew out from the reunion to Dubai. But he made it, which I know wasn't easy.

The weekend was filled with babies smiling and kids playing and laughter and love and lots of fried food. It was perfect. I have to confess that, sometimes, I get in a New York state of mind and show up at family gatherings a little defensive. I was worried that such things would get in the way of this trip and was, admittedly, a bit apprehensive about going.

All of that evaporated the minute I put my arms around my family. There truly is nothing in the world as special as the bond of family, whatever form it takes. The picture attached to this post (with my newest nephew, Holt) epitomizes the joy and the peace that filled our reunion weekend. Oh, and did I mention we had t-shirts made? Yep, we're that family now.

Joneses, you all are simply the best. You have all my love, all the time.

I Want To Be A Gymnast

It's no secret that the Olympics inspire me. Watching the athletes compete makes me hungry to take care of my body and stay in shape. During the Athens 2004 Games, I was moved to take up swimming. Goggles? Check. Swim cap? Check. Affordable membership to someplace with a pool? Forget about it. My dream was short-lived.

I decided that, after watching the Men's Gymnastics competition in these Beijing 2008 Games, that I would look into some gymnastics classes for adult beginners. Surely NYC, if anywhere, would have something like this. After all, it is the place where dreams come true. Chelsea Piers offers just the course I was looking for. Last night, I went with my buddy, Will, to this gymnastics class and it was awesome!

Understand, I have NO gymnastics experience. Didn't matter here, though. We learned forward handsprings, back handsprings, jumping forward rolls, and some other stuff, too. It's the ideal place to learn because the whole place is padded and you just practice again and again and again without worry of hurting yourself (too) badly. I managed to sprain my thumb early on, but I persevered through the pain and finished the night strong. If only Bela Karolyi had been there to carry me off the mat.

The other cool thing is that, in this same gymnastics room, is all of the Olympic apparatuses. There were guys there who were practicing on the high bar and still rings. These fellas look like Olympic hopefuls. It was amazing to watch them practice. Who knows, maybe we'll see them in the 2012 games?

If you're inspired by the Olympics like I am, ride the inspiration and go pursue your athletic dreams. I'll never be Olympian, but at least I can say I gave gymnastics a try. No regrets.

Beijing 2008 Olympic Games

I love the Olympics. Love, love, love them. The pomp and ceremony is unparalleled: trumpet fanfares, waving flags, matching uniforms, global community. It brings tears to my eyes every time.


My all-time favorite Olympic sport to watch is the Men's Gymnastics. More specifically, the still rings. The Maltese cross, where the athlete holds himself in a straight position, parallel to the ground, blows my mind. You can actually see their muscles quivering to maintain the body in perfect form. The way that these guys (and all the other athletes gathered in Beijing) train and discipline their bodies is nothing short of amazing. That's the only word I can find for it: amazing.


Did you see the men's gymnastics team finals last night? Team USA pulled off an upset by clenching the bronze medal. More impressive, though, was Team China's performance. Their coach said that if his team comes home with less than 5 gold medals, he will deem it an unsuccessful Olympics. Oh, gosh. That's intense. I'm glad they won.


Joe, an avid Olympics fan, blogged recently "What one thing do you wish you could excel at that you don’t already?" For me, it would be gymnastics. I would love to have that much control over mind and body. And would love to look that good in navy blue and red spandex.


Another one of the reasons I love the Olympics is for the music. It's quite majestic. If you're interested, most of what you hear on NBC intros and outros can be found on John Williams and the Boston Pops Orchestra: Summon the Heroes album, originally composed for the Atlanta 1996 Games, available on iTunes.

And now, to capture the Olympic Spirit, I leave you the lyrics to the Olympic Hymn:


Olympian flame immortal
Whose beacon lights our way
Emblaze our hearts with the fires of hope
On this momentous day

As now we come across the world
To share these Games of old
Let all the flags of every land
In brotherhood unfold

Sing out each nation, voices strong
Rise up in harmony
All hail our brave Olympians
With strains of victory

Olympic light burn on and on
O'er seas and mountains and plains
Unite, inspire, bring honor
To these ascending games
May valor reign victorious
Along the path of golden way

As tomorrow's new champions now come forth
Rising to the fervent spirit of the game
Let splendour pervade each noble deed
Crowned with glory and fame

And let fraternity and fellowship
Surround the soul of every nation

Oh flame, eternal in your firmament so bright
Illuminate us with your everlasting light
That grace and beauty and magnificence

Shine like the sun
Blazing above
Bestow on us your honor, truth and love

Makes Me Laugh Out Loud

10 Reasons It Would Rule To Date A Unicorn

9 Reasons Not To Date A Tyrannosaurus Rex

Thanks, M.

I'm done

I'm done catering to people's comfort levels. I'm done squashing my own self in the name of respect for others' opinions. I'm done with euphemisms. I'm done keeping my mouth shut. I'm done.

Little House on the Prairie, the musical!

Today's New York Times tells me that Little House on the Prairie has been staged as a musical! What could be better than combining the American homestead, prairie life, blindness, and musical theatre?

Melissa Gilbert (who played Laura in the TV series) is playing Ma in the stage production. Awesome. The show opened this weekend in Minneapolis with obvious hopes of making it to Broadway. I guarantee that Casey and I will be there with open arms to welcome the show to NYC. We have many fond memories of LHOTP and it's one of our favorite reminiscences. To see the show become a musical is somewhat of a dream come true. If the show does make it to Broadway, I only hope that we can attend the performance dressed as our favorite character.

The Performance of a Lifetime

Last night, I went to see Gypsy starring

Patti LuPone. Patti LuPone, people! Holy cow!

The show was beyond incredible. It was, honestly, the greatest theatre performance I've ever witnessed. This woman commanded such a presence from the moment she walked on stage. I mean, she is Patti LuPone. Her voice was throaty, bold, and experienced. When she threw her arms up in the air and belted out "Everything's Coming Up Roses", I said to myself "Don't ever forget this moment." I may have had tears in my eyes. Shhh.

If you care about the theatre at all, you must go see Gypsy while Ms. LuPone is playing Rose. It will be the performance of a lifetime and worth every single penny.

Sex And The City

I've seen Sex And The City twice now and can't seem to get it out of my head. The movie, the soundtrack, everything is surprisingly captivating. Understand, I have no special connection to the girls or the HBO series. I've seen the series intermittently in syndication and it's good, to be sure. It's fun, a little bit shallow, and really glamorizes NYC. But I wasn't particularly excited about the movie coming out. I went to see it on a whim.

The movie, though, is about real New York. It's about people trying their best at relationships and failing, and trying again. It's about making huge mistakes. It's about forgiveness (cue the song). It's about never being alone in the world. It's about loving your loyals without condition. And, hopefully, it's about falling in love someday, despite the odds.

There's this powerful scene where Carrie shows up at Miranda's door, unannounced, on New Year's Eve. Miranda opens the door, Carrie hugs her and says, "You're not alone." That's it. Simple as that. You're not alone.

It is one of my mantras. It's important that you say to people you love, as often as you tell them you love them, to tell them "You're not alone."

Terminology

We've all heard of gaydar, yes? It's the keen perception that allows one to judge whether another is gay or straight, based on appearance. The last few months, it seems my gaydar is broken. Maybe I'm getting older and losing touch with the new class of gays. Or maybe, it's because the line is becoming increasing blurred between heterosexual and homosexual dudes. Here's some new terminology that I've recently become familiar with, courtesy of Details, that will keep you in-the-know, and the categories clear:

Bromance - a reciprocated mancrush between two heterosexual guys; term made famous by the movie Superbad; when you say to your best friend, "I'm not gay dude. But if I was, you'd be the one"; famous bromances include Matt Damon & Ben Affleck, Geeorge Clooney & Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey & Lance Armstrong

Stray - a heterosexual guy who is consistently mistaken as gay; blame it on the appearance, the mannerisms, the speech, whatever else; the stray guy is 100% straight, no doubt about it (not to be confused with guys on the downlow, who call themselves straight but actually sleep with other dudes); famous strays include Ryan Seacrest and Kenny Chesney

Straymance - my own term; the requited mancrush between a straight dude and a gay dude; a purely platonic relationship; the inter-sexual version of the bromance

Who knew there were new categories emerging to make the once-unmistakable now very-mistakable? Eh, I guess you live and learn. And there's probably some lesson to be learned here about stereotyping, but I'll let you (and me) read between the lines to figure it out.

Thou Art The Potter

I've been up all night, so this post is composed as I'm feeling tired and probably a little bit vulnerable. But I've been thinking a lot about God tonight.

When I pray, there's a difference between "going before the Father" with routine prayer and "really going before the Father", exposed, vulnerable, pissed off, hollowed out, etc. In other words, though my heart is always in it, some prayer time is more poignant than others. The poignant ones take many forms: There's the prayer when I feel rotten because of sin and I come crawling on my knees. There's the one where I feel disconnected from God and come asking for renewal. There's the one where I'm angry and the prayer involves more harsh words than kind ones. There's the one where I'm overwhelmed and seek peace. But none of those really describe how I'm feeling right now.

You know how clay (or Play-Doh) gets those little cracks in it if it has been left out for too long? That's how I'm feeling. Still pliable, but with little cracks in me that need to me kneaded and smoothed out. I want to feel the hands of God physically working me over. Not in a forgiving way, but rather in a nurturing way. You ever feel like you need God to make himself known in the physical, tangible sense? Real Live Preacher makes the comment that he occasionally sneaks into churches and takes naps in the pews because he likes the feeling that God is watching over him. That's what I want right now. I want to walk into an empty cathedral and lay down in the back pew and just go to sleep. For hours and hours. And wake up and feel sore because God's hands have been at work.

Like so many others, I'm spent. Life is a little bit hard right now. I'm nearing a breaking point. Lend me your hands, God. I'm the clay (or blue Play-Doh). Have Thine Own Way.