Someone Like Me Too

Love's Final Victory

2010-11-27T18:03:00.002-05:00

If supreme power lies on the side of supreme love, then none of us [my emphasis], whether Christian, Muslim, or atheist, need fear that the One who loved us into existence in the first place might wantonly abandon us in the end. Nor need we worry that an honest mistake in theology will somehow jeopardize our future. For if a perfectly loving Creator does exist, then he knows us from the inside out far better than we know ourselves; he appreciates the ambiguities, the confusions, and the perplexities we face far better than we do; and he understands the historical and cultural factors that shape our beliefs far better than any historian does. Such a Creator--so loving, intimate, and wise--would know how to work with us in infinitely complex ways, how to shatter our illusions and transform our thinking when necessary, and how best to reveal himself to us in the end.

For though our present choices cannot alter our final destiny, they most assuredly can affect our chances for happiness in the present and in the near term future; and though our glorious inheritance cannot elude us forever, it most assuredly can elude us for a lifetime, or perhaps even several lifetimes. So our choices do have very real consequences in our lives; indeed, these consequences are one of the means by which God will transform us in the end and thereby secure our final destiny. When we finally weary of our own selfishness, petty jealousies, and lust for power; when we learn at last, perhaps through bitter experience, that these lead only to ruin and cannot bring enduring happiness, that nothing short of union with God and reconciliation with others will satisfy our deepest yearnings; when we discover that the Hound of Heaven has finally closed off every alternative to such a union, we shall then, each of us, finally embrace the destiny that is ours.

Thomas Talbott, The Inescapable Love of God (Universal Publishers: USA, 1999), p. 218.

2010-06-18T22:58:00.004-04:00

I just finished reading The Commitment by Dan Savage. It's a humorous memoir that chronicles Dan and his partner Terry's decision to marry, or not to marry, taking into account the strong opinions of their six year-old son, D.J.

I've thought about gay marriage quite a bit recently because it's in the news and because Joe Solmonese frequents my inbox with persuasive emails about how I should be a better gay. I have always considered myself to be a traditional gay man. That is, I envisioned myself falling in love with the man of my dreams, getting married, and then adopting 2-4 children. I believe that we deserve equal rights, including the right to marry. Anything less is injustice.

But Savage makes this point:

"We also weren't sure we were prepared to sacrifice the one thing gay relationships have always had over straight relationships: their quiet dignity. Straight couples that want their relationships to be taken seriously have always had to jump through the marital hoop, but not gay couples...Unlike heterosexuals, we had to do the hard work of building a life together in order to be taken seriously, something we did without any legal entanglements or incentives...when our relationships were taken seriously it was by virtue of their duration..."

I had never thought about the issue this way before. Savage is right. There is a quiet dignity about lasting same-sex relationships. That is evident in the couples I know from church and elsewhere.

I'm pretty sure I still want to be married someday (and not some dumbed-down version, like civil unions). But I'm only pretty sure. I'm not certain.

Familiar

2010-06-17T13:26:00.002-04:00

About a month ago, I started working the night shift in the ICU. I did nights in New York, but started working days when I moved to Austin. A change in jobs was necessary, so I left my 8a-4:30p, M-F job and got this new gig in ICU. The job is busy/stress-filled if anything, but that's another post for another time.

Switching to the night shift has brought back a flood of old patterns. It takes me right back to living in New York and working my nights in ICU there. You see, working the night shift wreaks havoc on the sleep-wake cycle. Even on my nights off, my sleep schedule is messed up and so I'm up most of the night, wishing I was asleep like Abel and the dogs. I've taken to sleeping by myself so my tossing and turning and book-light won't disturb the rest of the house. Laying alone in my bed, staring at the ceiling, I feel exactly like I used to in New York. It's eerily familiar.

When I was living in Queens, on nights that I couldn't sleep I would read or watch TV til about 5am, then walk to the diner near my house and enjoy breakfast with the construction workers and delivery drivers. The diner was teeming with life at 5am.

So this morning, I decided to re-instate my diner tradition. I made the fifteen minute drive (not fifteen minute walk) to the 24 diner in search of waffles and eggs and a cup of decaf. To my surprise, there was one other person in the diner. One! And he was a (gay!) student who was immersed in his omelette and textbooks. Not hardly the construction worker-type I anticipated

The upside of being awake all night, if there is one, is that I have more time to read, contemplate, and reminisce. And time to think about blogging again. Here's to all of that, and to finding a prescription for Ambien.

A Franciscan Benediction

2010-01-01T18:45:00.002-05:00

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen.

Thoughts on God(s)

2009-11-03T23:09:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the enormity of the universe. I mean, one million Earths could fit inside the sun. One million! That's how small we are. Earth lies 91.4 million miles from the sun. Think on that. The planets are tens of millions of miles apart from each other. And that's just our known solar system. Who knows what else is out there in the universe? There's got to be other stuff; other life.

I think that when we were taught that God is the God of the universe, they were actually meaning he was the God of Earth. Right? All we learn about the existence of God is from the Bible, written by human beings, who lived on Earth. And they didn't live here all that long ago, considering how long Earth has been around. The story of Jesus is compelling. But again, it's the story of a man, who lived on Earth. Nowhere else. And this guy Jesus is God's only son? His only progeny? That seems unlikely if God is so big and is god of the entire universe.

If there are other forms of (intelligent) life somewhere in the cosmos, who is the god of them? Is it our God? And what about their salvation? Could our God have other sons (or daughters) who are tied up in the salvation of other intelligent life? Or are their other gods who are omnipresent over other parts of the solar system?

What I'm saying is that it's not all as simple as I've been lead to believe. I say my prayers, but I confess when I say them that I don't know where God is and if he is only the god of Earth or the whole universe or what?

I hear people say that God knows no bounds and is everywhere and isn't confined to time and space. I guess. I've never doubted how big God is until recently. Is it possible that the whole universe is too big, too immense, for just one god? I'm wondering...

Going on, what is heaven? And who is it for? For human beings on planet Earth? Or for all forms of intelligent life (capable of reason) who inherit salvation? Or is it something mentioned in the Bible, a human book of faith, to give us hope for something after we die?

I don't know, folks. I just don't know. I'll still keep saying prayers and going to church on occassion, but I've got some serious questions. Let me know if you've got answers.

UBC

2009-06-14T22:57:00.002-04:00

Since I've moved to Austin, when I make it to church, I go to University Baptist Church. It's a lovely, open and affirming community of faith. A couple of weeks ago, Abel, Casey, Michael and me were fortunate to attend an interfaith pride service at UBC. I intended to blog about it, but Casey is more eloquent than I, so I encourage you to read her post about the service.

Dear New York,

2009-01-22T14:36:00.007-05:00

Dear New York,

As I prepare to leave ye for the Lone Star State, an expression of my gratitude is in order.

When I arrived in a Penske moving truck some six and a half years ago, you welcomed me, as you welcome every other twenty-something who wants a piece of the NYC life. My time with you has been valuable. I will leave your five boroughs a changed man. Thank you...

Thank you for showing me that diversity is essential.
Thank you for toughening my skin. I curse more than I used to.
Thank you for teaching me a new meaning of the word "fresh". I am fresh.
Thank you for showing me that people of God do not look a particular way or seek you in a particular place.
Thank you for providing an atmosphere where I can understand who I wholly am.
Thank you for introducing me to learned, compassionate friends.
Thank you for CCfB (see previous two thank yous).
Thank you for Manhattan Church.
Thank you for Praise Team.
Thank you for your nurses, doctors, and hospital staff who have shown me how to care for the sick.
Thank you for Calvary.
Thank you for Bellevue.
Thank you for 24-hour bodegas.
Thank you for Nectar Coffe Shop.
Thank you for Paul, Casey, Caleb, Jeremy, Shaun, Seth, LeRoy, Jeff, and Tulio who provided companionship as roommates and taught me things about life.
Thank you for Chelsea. Next to Disneyworld, it's the happiest place on Earth.
Thank you for Brooklyn, and then Queens.
Thank you for weekend trips.
Thank you for the Chrysler Building and the Brooklyn Bridge.
Thank you for the good people at Dunkin' Donuts on 28th and 3rd.
Thank you for oxtail, spinach pie, perogies, and Brooklyn Lager, which I had never tried before we met.
Thank you for Broadway.

To the people who I have known and loved here, I hope to see you down the road.

To my family who I have been away from for the last seven years, I'm coming home. See you soon for dinner.

Love,
Nate

Homeward Bound

2008-12-15T08:42:00.004-05:00

After six plus years of living and loving New York, I'm going home.

It hasn't really set in yet, at least not consistently. It hits me at strange intervals and I find myself with tears in my eyes while reading the NYC Subway map or walking through my neighborhood to the grocery store. Leaving Austin to move to New York was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I would be naive to think that it won't be just as hard to leave New York.

Things I'm excited about? I'm excited about working as a nurse in Texas...I've never done that before. I'll see what the culture of caring is like outside New York. I'm excited about living in South Austin again. I'm excited about eating Texas BBQ whenever I want (Pok-e-Jo's!). I'm excited about seeing my family once a week instead of twice a year. I'm excited that Abel and I will be in the same place and not a plane ride apart.

I'm supposed to start work in Austin the beginning of March, so that puts me leaving New York sometime mid-February. I know it's going to be an emotionally-charged next couple of months. I hope it flies by because I'm ready to be in Austin now. I also hope that it goes by slow enough for me to reminisce and appreciate the things I love about New York. Counting the days...

The Case for Gay Marriage

2008-12-15T08:34:00.002-05:00

Props to Newsweek for running this cover story, "Our Mutual Joy", in their most recent issue. This article explores the religious case for gay marriage. It's worth reading.

I adhere to a gospel of inclusion, to the belief that God is a God of love, justice, and mercy, that all are welcome at the Lord's table. Gay marriage just makes sense.

Blog Action Day 2008 - Poverty

2008-10-15T11:34:00.006-04:00

Today, October 15, is Blog Action Day. Check out the website.

It's easy to become overwhelmed by poverty. Am I doing enough? Can we even make a difference?

I used to think it was important to give money to anyone who asked for it on the streets. Sadly, people who pull out their wallets on the street are easy targets of crime. I no longer advocate giving to panhandlers. It's dangerous.

So, how to make a difference? Get involved with something that matters to you. What is important to you when you think about getting people out of poverty? Is it clean water? Housing the homeless? Educational supplies for impoverished children? Supporting a local orphanage?

There are countless, reputable organizations out there who target each of these specific needs. Pick one that speaks to you and offer them your support. If we each make a difference in a small way, together we will make a difference in a BIG way.

Here are a couple of suggestions:

The Fam

2008-09-04T10:24:00.002-04:00

I spent this past weekend in southwestern Oklahoma at the Quartz Mountain Resort (yes, resort, not reservation). It was a Jones family reunion which doubled as a surprise birthday gift for my Grammy who turned 75. She had absolutely no idea. We all arrived over the course of a couple of days. Each new carload of people that drove in was a complete surprise to her. The expression on her face and the tears in her eyes were priceless.

We were twenty-four in all. This weekend marked the first time that we have ever all been together. Usually someone can't make a reunion or holiday for whatever reason. But this time, everybody showed. My older brother, Josh, even flew in from Mexico City and then flew out from the reunion to Dubai. But he made it, which I know wasn't easy.

The weekend was filled with babies smiling and kids playing and laughter and love and lots of fried food. It was perfect. I have to confess that, sometimes, I get in a New York state of mind and show up at family gatherings a little defensive. I was worried that such things would get in the way of this trip and was, admittedly, a bit apprehensive about going.

All of that evaporated the minute I put my arms around my family. There truly is nothing in the world as special as the bond of family, whatever form it takes. The picture attached to this post (with my newest nephew, Holt) epitomizes the joy and the peace that filled our reunion weekend. Oh, and did I mention we had t-shirts made? Yep, we're that family now.

Joneses, you all are simply the best. You have all my love, all the time.

I Want To Be A Gymnast

2008-08-15T10:32:00.008-04:00

It's no secret that the Olympics inspire me. Watching the athletes compete makes me hungry to take care of my body and stay in shape. During the Athens 2004 Games, I was moved to take up swimming. Goggles? Check. Swim cap? Check. Affordable membership to someplace with a pool? Forget about it. My dream was short-lived.

I decided that, after watching the Men's Gymnastics competition in these Beijing 2008 Games, that I would look into some gymnastics classes for adult beginners. Surely NYC, if anywhere, would have something like this. After all, it is the place where dreams come true. Chelsea Piers offers just the course I was looking for. Last night, I went with my buddy, Will, to this gymnastics class and it was awesome!

Understand, I have NO gymnastics experience. Didn't matter here, though. We learned forward handsprings, back handsprings, jumping forward rolls, and some other stuff, too. It's the ideal place to learn because the whole place is padded and you just practice again and again and again without worry of hurting yourself (too) badly. I managed to sprain my thumb early on, but I persevered through the pain and finished the night strong. If only Bela Karolyi had been there to carry me off the mat.

The other cool thing is that, in this same gymnastics room, is all of the Olympic apparatuses. There were guys there who were practicing on the high bar and still rings. These fellas look like Olympic hopefuls. It was amazing to watch them practice. Who knows, maybe we'll see them in the 2012 games?

If you're inspired by the Olympics like I am, ride the inspiration and go pursue your athletic dreams. I'll never be Olympian, but at least I can say I gave gymnastics a try. No regrets.

Beijing 2008 Olympic Games

2008-08-12T09:56:00.006-04:00

I love the Olympics. Love, love, love them. The pomp and ceremony is unparalleled: trumpet fanfares, waving flags, matching uniforms, global community. It brings tears to my eyes every time.

My all-time favorite Olympic sport to watch is the Men's Gymnastics. More specifically, the still rings. The Maltese cross, where the athlete holds himself in a straight position, parallel to the ground, blows my mind. You can actually see their muscles quivering to maintain the body in perfect form. The way that these guys (and all the other athletes gathered in Beijing) train and discipline their bodies is nothing short of amazing. That's the only word I can find for it: amazing.

Did you see the men's gymnastics team finals last night? Team USA pulled off an upset by clenching the bronze medal. More impressive, though, was Team China's performance. Their coach said that if his team comes home with less than 5 gold medals, he will deem it an unsuccessful Olympics. Oh, gosh. That's intense. I'm glad they won.

Joe, an avid Olympics fan, blogged recently "What one thing do you wish you could excel at that you don’t already?" For me, it would be gymnastics. I would love to have that much control over mind and body. And would love to look that good in navy blue and red spandex.

Another one of the reasons I love the Olympics is for the music. It's quite majestic. If you're interested, most of what you hear on NBC intros and outros can be found on John Williams and the Boston Pops Orchestra: Summon the Heroes album, originally composed for the Atlanta 1996 Games, available on iTunes.

And now, to capture the Olympic Spirit, I leave you the lyrics to the Olympic Hymn:

Olympian flame immortal
Whose beacon lights our way
Emblaze our hearts with the fires of hope
On this momentous day

As now we come across the world
To share these Games of old
Let all the flags of every land
In brotherhood unfold

Sing out each nation, voices strong
Rise up in harmony
All hail our brave Olympians
With strains of victory

Olympic light burn on and on
O'er seas and mountains and plains
Unite, inspire, bring honor
To these ascending games
May valor reign victorious
Along the path of golden way

As tomorrow's new champions now come forth
Rising to the fervent spirit of the game
Let splendour pervade each noble deed
Crowned with glory and fame

And let fraternity and fellowship
Surround the soul of every nation

Oh flame, eternal in your firmament so bright
Illuminate us with your everlasting light
That grace and beauty and magnificence

Shine like the sun
Blazing above
Bestow on us your honor, truth and love

Makes Me Laugh Out Loud

2008-08-09T13:46:00.003-04:00

10 Reasons It Would Rule To Date A Unicorn

9 Reasons Not To Date A Tyrannosaurus Rex

Thanks, M.

I'm done

2008-08-01T14:03:00.003-04:00

I'm done catering to people's comfort levels. I'm done squashing my own self in the name of respect for others' opinions. I'm done with euphemisms. I'm done keeping my mouth shut. I'm done.

Little House on the Prairie, the musical!

2008-07-28T09:12:00.002-04:00

Today's New York Times tells me that Little House on the Prairie has been staged as a musical! What could be better than combining the American homestead, prairie life, blindness, and musical theatre?

Melissa Gilbert (who played Laura in the TV series) is playing Ma in the stage production. Awesome. The show opened this weekend in Minneapolis with obvious hopes of making it to Broadway. I guarantee that Casey and I will be there with open arms to welcome the show to NYC. We have many fond memories of LHOTP and it's one of our favorite reminiscences. To see the show become a musical is somewhat of a dream come true. If the show does make it to Broadway, I only hope that we can attend the performance dressed as our favorite character.

The Performance of a Lifetime

2008-07-25T11:21:00.003-04:00

Last night, I went to see Gypsy starring

Patti LuPone. Patti LuPone, people! Holy cow!

The show was beyond incredible. It was, honestly, the greatest theatre performance I've ever witnessed. This woman commanded such a presence from the moment she walked on stage. I mean, she is Patti LuPone. Her voice was throaty, bold, and experienced. When she threw her arms up in the air and belted out "Everything's Coming Up Roses", I said to myself "Don't ever forget this moment." I may have had tears in my eyes. Shhh.

If you care about the theatre at all, you must go see Gypsy while Ms. LuPone is playing Rose. It will be the performance of a lifetime and worth every single penny.

Sex And The City

2008-07-16T17:29:00.003-04:00

I've seen Sex And The City twice now and can't seem to get it out of my head. The movie, the soundtrack, everything is surprisingly captivating. Understand, I have no special connection to the girls or the HBO series. I've seen the series intermittently in syndication and it's good, to be sure. It's fun, a little bit shallow, and really glamorizes NYC. But I wasn't particularly excited about the movie coming out. I went to see it on a whim.

The movie, though, is about real New York. It's about people trying their best at relationships and failing, and trying again. It's about making huge mistakes. It's about forgiveness (cue the song). It's about never being alone in the world. It's about loving your loyals without condition. And, hopefully, it's about falling in love someday, despite the odds.

There's this powerful scene where Carrie shows up at Miranda's door, unannounced, on New Year's Eve. Miranda opens the door, Carrie hugs her and says, "You're not alone." That's it. Simple as that. You're not alone.

It is one of my mantras. It's important that you say to people you love, as often as you tell them you love them, to tell them "You're not alone."

Terminology

2008-06-10T09:42:00.004-04:00

We've all heard of gaydar, yes? It's the keen perception that allows one to judge whether another is gay or straight, based on appearance. The last few months, it seems my gaydar is broken. Maybe I'm getting older and losing touch with the new class of gays. Or maybe, it's because the line is becoming increasing blurred between heterosexual and homosexual dudes. Here's some new terminology that I've recently become familiar with, courtesy of Details, that will keep you in-the-know, and the categories clear:

Bromance - a reciprocated mancrush between two heterosexual guys; term made famous by the movie Superbad; when you say to your best friend, "I'm not gay dude. But if I was, you'd be the one"; famous bromances include Matt Damon & Ben Affleck, Geeorge Clooney & Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey & Lance Armstrong

Stray - a heterosexual guy who is consistently mistaken as gay; blame it on the appearance, the mannerisms, the speech, whatever else; the stray guy is 100% straight, no doubt about it (not to be confused with guys on the downlow, who call themselves straight but actually sleep with other dudes); famous strays include Ryan Seacrest and Kenny Chesney

Straymance - my own term; the requited mancrush between a straight dude and a gay dude; a purely platonic relationship; the inter-sexual version of the bromance

Who knew there were new categories emerging to make the once-unmistakable now very-mistakable? Eh, I guess you live and learn. And there's probably some lesson to be learned here about stereotyping, but I'll let you (and me) read between the lines to figure it out.

Thou Art The Potter

2008-05-30T07:07:00.003-04:00

I've been up all night, so this post is composed as I'm feeling tired and probably a little bit vulnerable. But I've been thinking a lot about God tonight.

When I pray, there's a difference between "going before the Father" with routine prayer and "really going before the Father", exposed, vulnerable, pissed off, hollowed out, etc. In other words, though my heart is always in it, some prayer time is more poignant than others. The poignant ones take many forms: There's the prayer when I feel rotten because of sin and I come crawling on my knees. There's the one where I feel disconnected from God and come asking for renewal. There's the one where I'm angry and the prayer involves more harsh words than kind ones. There's the one where I'm overwhelmed and seek peace. But none of those really describe how I'm feeling right now.

You know how clay (or Play-Doh) gets those little cracks in it if it has been left out for too long? That's how I'm feeling. Still pliable, but with little cracks in me that need to me kneaded and smoothed out. I want to feel the hands of God physically working me over. Not in a forgiving way, but rather in a nurturing way. You ever feel like you need God to make himself known in the physical, tangible sense? Real Live Preacher makes the comment that he occasionally sneaks into churches and takes naps in the pews because he likes the feeling that God is watching over him. That's what I want right now. I want to walk into an empty cathedral and lay down in the back pew and just go to sleep. For hours and hours. And wake up and feel sore because God's hands have been at work.

Like so many others, I'm spent. Life is a little bit hard right now. I'm nearing a breaking point. Lend me your hands, God. I'm the clay (or blue Play-Doh). Have Thine Own Way.

Hill Country BBQ

2008-05-27T08:26:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, being Memorial Day, necessitated a menu of red meat and beer. It's the way that we Texans honor the fallen. Normally, I'd fix the burgers or meat myself, but since I'm studying again these days, I opted to have someone else do the cooking. So, Casey and I went to check out this new restaurant that has opened called Hill Country.

Hill Country is modeled after the famous Kreuz Market in Lockhart, Texas. For the men in my family, Kreuz is somewhat of a sanctuary. Imagine my excitement to find a BBQ place, another Kreuz Market, in New York City!

Now, imagine my disappointment. This place was WAY overpriced. Two beef ribs and 4 small slices of brisket cost me $17.50. No lie. Didn't include side dishes nor beverages. They do their service counter-style, where you take your tray from counter to counter, and ask the pitmaster or side-dish-master (?) for what you want. Everything is served on butcher paper, like BBQ should be, but the nostalgia did not make up for the tough texture and overly sweet (read: bad) BBQ sauce served with the meat.

The decor is grossly "Texas-centric". It tries too hard. The waitresses were even wearing cowboy boots. Yep, that's right. You know, because everyone in Texas wear cowboy boots. (I love mine, but not for waiting tables.)

The only saving grace for this place was the Blue Bell Ice Cream and Lone Star Beer. Thankfully, those things are made somewhere else and shipped to NYC, so they offered the same taste and satisfaction I remember from my days in Austin.

Fellow Texans, don't waste your time or your money on this place. If you want some BBQ, let's get together sometime soon and do it up right ourselves. I'll cook the meat, somebody else bring the sides, and I promise, no one will wear cowboy boots.

MCAT update

2008-05-20T00:49:00.003-04:00

I got my MCAT scores back recently and they are not as competitive as I want them to be. So, I'm going to re-take the exam on June 13. Interestingly enough, I am not upset as I had imagined myself in this situation. On the contrary, it's a matter of "If I need to take the test again in order to be a more competitive applicant, so be it. I have to do what I have to do."

Thanks for support and well-wishes. Keep you all posted.

Home Improvement

2008-05-13T22:07:00.003-04:00

I have successfully completed my first home-improvement project. I installed four bookshelves on my bedroom walls. It's been a week-long process involving many trips to Home Depot , countless conversations with Matthew, and a few new tools.

I called my sister-in-law today from Home Depot as I was looking for some drill bits I had forgotten. Lovingly/sarcastically, she said "What a surprise... A Jones man starting out to do a project without all of the proper equipment." What can I say, it's genetic. And, I didn't mind perusing the aisles once again. It's a little bit therapeutic.

Myanmar Relief

2008-05-07T17:24:00.002-04:00

OEM (Office of Emergency Management) urges those who wish to help those affected by the cyclone in Myanmar to make cash donations. A list of organizations collecting donations can be found at Network for Good (http://www.networkforgood.org). Please consider making a donation.

Catching Up

2008-04-19T15:20:00.006-04:00

I survived the MCAT yesterday. It was a hard test, to be sure. I expected as much, though, and am really glad it's over. The actual test-taking experience was not nearly as brutal as the studying and preparation. I should have my results in the next 30 days or so.

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Have you heard of Leona Lewis? This girl is awesome. She won the UK's version of American Idol. Her debut album, Spirit, is incredible. Check it out and see what you think. I doubt you'll be disappointed.

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These are the days I love New York and wouldn't want to be anywhere else. The last few days have seen temps in the mid-70s, bright blue cloudless skies, and tons of sunshine. I didn't wear my winter coat for the first time this week. New Yorkers are waking from our long winter nap, and we're hitting the streets in droves. Literally, people stop on the sidewalk and just stare into the sunlight. I was all over mid-town yesterday just walking and walking and loving being outside. I spent a couple of hours meandering through Central Park around dusk yesterday evening. NYC is truly a place unlike any other.

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Wilber's show, Swing, opened last week in Beach Haven, NJ, but I haven't been down to see it yet on account of studying. So, Casey and I are headed down to the Jersey Shore this afternoon in our rented Volvo S40 to go see the show and lend some support to Wilber.

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Holt Westbrook Jones

2008-04-04T09:04:00.002-04:00

My younger brother, Matthew, and his wife, Sienna, had their first baby last night in Austin. Holt Westbrook Jones was born at 9:26p, weighing 7 lbs 1 oz. and measuring 20 in. Everybody is doing great. We Jones boys are now seven strong: Josh, Nate, Matthew, Campbell, Warner, Everett and Holt! We're pumped to add Holt to our ranks.

A Blogging Hiatus

2008-03-31T08:18:00.001-04:00

With less than 3 weeks til the big day, I'm taking a blogging hiatus (much like these past 3 weeks). Hopefully, my next post will be full of joy and relief, celebrating the end of the MCAT.

Faith of the Faithless

2008-03-04T21:07:00.007-05:00

The thoughts that follow are inspired by two ministers, Jen and Katie, for whom I have much respect. They are quoted with their permission, of course.

I am certain that we, as people of faith, will never fully understand what God meant in sending his Son to the earth. I am certain that we will never fully understand the Scriptures. I am equally certain that anyone who believes that they have their faith entirely worked out has their head in the clouds.

Faith is a dynamic as opposed to static. I have the responsibility to examine, at every turn, what I know to be true and what I have known to be true in the past. I must hold those things up and scrutinize them and mull them over and, with the Holy Spirit's guidance, reshape them as needed. My recent mullings over have focused on communal faith.

What is communal faith to you? I've often thought it meant that Christians will assemble periodically (on Sundays) to share our faith and edify one another. The individual faiths that we walk with Mon-Sat become communal on Sundays (or whatever the appointed time). We will bear one another's burdens and strengthen one another. But everyone will bring some kind of faith. It's an understood rule. In order to share, both parties must bring something.

What if someone doesn't bring faith with them? What if their faith is fatigued? What if they use to have faith but, because of life, let that faith go? What if they never had faith at all?

Consider this:

"...I think even atheism can be a mode of faith in this way. I know some people who’ve lost it, just can’t see how the God they grew up believing can be reconciled with the reality of the world they see. I don’t see this as a fault. I see it as an honest response, the outcome of a real struggle. For myself, I have faith that God too might see it this way; that God would prefer someone to give up the pretense of faith rather than deny the reality of evils. And my response to these friends is not to press my faith that all will be well upon them, but to view my task as carrying faith for them. An intercessory faith, if you will."

I will. The communal faith Jen refers to goes beyond sharing. It doesn't require that I bring some faith to the table and you bring some of your own and we will thusly commune. It states that I will carry faith for you when you cannot carry yours. Those who have faith will collectively carry the faith for others who do not. The faith of the faithless.

Katie goes on to say "I think this is a critical point for we who have been blessed with belief — that not everybody is. Elie Wiesel, for example, writes painstakingly about how impossible it is for him to believe (and how he prays right through that unbelief with his very life). And what else could the Apostle have meant when he said in 1 Corinthians 12 that among the varied gifts of the Spirit is the gift of… faith? “To another, the gift of faith.” Meaning, perhaps, that just as all are not blessed with the gift of, say, 'healing' (next in Paul’s list), faith may come really hard or not at all for some of God’s children."

Wow. How many times have I read over that scripture and missed what Paul was getting at? Faith is a requirement, surely. Tongues, wisdom, prophecy...those are spiritual gifts, no doubt. We all agree that some have them and others are gifted in other ways. But faith as a gift? I'm moved.

It's refreshing and at the same time unnerving when my understanding of Scripture changes even slightly. I guess that's the feeling of being stretched and having the Holy Spirit at work. It's not supposed to be comfortable. I'm grateful to Jen and Katie for their wisdom, insight, and capacity to teach. I'm equally grateful for their boldness to speak what is at times, I'm sure, not easy.

1000 Words

2008-02-29T09:51:00.001-05:00

Almost Famous

2008-02-18T22:15:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend, Wilber and I were having a lazy-Saturday-afternoon bagel in the bagel shop near the house. We noticed a news reporter and her cameraman outside the window of the shop, looking in at the customers. Wilber joked, "They must be coming in to interview me."

Sure enough, the reporter and cameraman walked inside and walked straight over to our table and said, "We'd like to interview you two."

"About what?", I asked.
"About your thoughts on same-sex marriage."

"What?", I thought. "Are we wearing a sign or something? Is G-A-Y stamped across my forehead?" I was a little perturbed by the implication.

As it turns out, the lady was a reporter for a Filipino news network, and they were interviewing New Yorkers about their feelings regarding same-sex marriage and its not being legal in this state.

On camera, I made some comment about how it's a shame that it's not legal, etc, etc. Very creative, I know. Then they turned the camera to Wilber. He spoke so eloquently about how New York is such a diverse, progressive city and how it's counter-intuitive that same-sex marriage isn't legal here but is legal in other seemingly less-progressive states. Well said, babe. You're a natural in the spotlight.

I thought it was interesting, given my previous blogpost, that someone would then turn on a camera and call on me to defend my viewpoint.

So today, I'm walking down the street and this representative from the Human Rights Campaign (a GLBT-rights organization) stops me and asks me to become a partner of them and support the end of workplace-discrimination for gays. People are coming out of the woodwork this week calling on me to advocate for equal rights for the GLBT community. "YES!", I replied. Awesome!

Gay rights is one of those things that I believe strongly in. But sometimes I am still a little wary of making that belief known publicly.

Not anymore.

I'm a member of a community. The community needs help.

Here I am!

Let's go do this thing!

Freedom To Marry

2008-02-14T14:31:00.003-05:00

This week is Freedom To Marry Week. Americans celebrate this week the importance of ending exclusion of same-sex couples' right to marriage. We likewise engage in conversations with friends and family about advocating for equal marriage rights for all Americans.

Check out Al Gore's endorsement.
http://current.com/items/88817757_gay_men_and_women_should_have_the_same_rights

Check out the Human Rights Campaign's Million for Marriage petition. Sign the petition and forward it on to others who will sign it.

A small fire

2008-02-11T13:52:00.000-05:00

I was woken up last night by one of my roommates banging on my door and shouting "Get out! Get out!" I scrambled out of bed in a panic and opened my bedroom door and I there was this haziness in the apartment and it smelled of smoke and gas and my roommate was shouting, "There's a fire! Get out!"

I was only in my undies, so my first thought is "Get clothes on." I managed to throw some clothes on but I was in such a panic that I found it hard to know what drawers even to go to for clothes. I've had the thought process before, If there's ever a fire, what would I grab on my way out? I figured I would grab my Bible, my laptop, some photo albums, etc.

What did I grab last night? Nothing! I looked at all those things and said forget it, it's not worth the time it would take. They can all be replaced. I just grabbed a blanket off my bed because it was below freezing outside last night.

We called 911 and three firetrucks showed up. They immediately found the fire in the basement. Part of the boiler had caught on fire and they quickly put it out. It appears that no structural damage was done to the house. In fact, they told us it was safe to sleep in the house last night. Only thing we're missing is heat right now, because the landlord has to put in a new boiler now. Before I went back to bed, I started looking around the apartment for the smoke detectors, wondering why they hadn't alarmend. There were none!

People, make sure your apartment has smoke detectors. I assumed the landlord had them installed, but he did not. I'll be putting them up today, along with carbon monoxide detectors as well. You just never know what could happen.

The Obama Wagon

2008-02-07T16:19:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that Sen. Obama is generating much hype these days. He seems to be effectively mobilizing a generation of disenfranchised twenty and thirtysomethings. So why am I finding it so hard to believe what he says and to jump on the proverbial wagon? I've read blogposts here and there and listened to his speeches. I'm not sold, though. It's hard to believe what anyone says during the heat of the campaign trail. What if he's just spewing inspirational/feel-good/yes we can rhetoric? On the other hand, if he is going to be the next JFK-esque political icon, do I want to be the guy who says no to that?

Help me out, Obama fans. Tell me why you're sold. Without using the word inspirational.

Take A Second Look

2008-01-24T11:01:00.000-05:00

I watch the TV show House only occasionally. I happened to catch it this week and the episode that aired got me to thinking about my own clinical practice.

The story revolved around this 40-something male, polysubstance abuser who collapsed in a coughing fit, in an alley, and was brought to the hospital. Further workup revealed all sorts of vague symptoms on this guy (bleeding, respiratory distress, blood clots in his fingers). The doctors attending to him were in a race to see who could come up with the correct diagnosis.

One of the doctors kept arriving at drug-related diagnoses, i.e. diseases or symptoms explained by sharing needles, using inhalants, etc. In a heated moment, another colleague confronted her about her stereotyping this guy and assuming all his problems were drug-related. She could not see past his substance abuse to the larger picture. Her colleague said it best when she finally yells, "He has an addiction!"

This same doctor, the one who favored drug-related diagnoses, tries to have a heart-to-heart with her patient at the end, as he's dying.

(paraphrased)

"You've used so many drugs and drank so heavily for so many years. Don't you have any regrets?"
"I've used a lot of drugs and drank a lot. Everything else, I regret."

We see a lot of polysubstance abusers and legitimate drug-related diagnoses in the ICU. In my own practice and conversations with my patients, it would behoove me to remind myself that substance abuse does not the individual make. That every ailment or social problem cannot be attributed to their drug use. That they have an addiction, not a character flaw. That they may not even regret their drug use. It would behoove me to step back and take a second look.

"After Linking New Strain of Staph to Gay Men, University Scrambles to Clarify"

2008-01-21T09:55:00.000-05:00

Here is a follow-up article to the one I posted a few days ago regarding MRSA infection. It is interesting and admittedly irritating to see how different groups responded to the initial article that was published in last Tuesday's New York Times.

A confession

2008-01-20T09:16:00.000-05:00

Consider this my PostSecret confession, which stems from a very frustrating last few weeks at work:

Whenever patients are admitted to the ICU who:

got drunk and fell down on their head and now have blood in their brain
overdosed on drugs
took cocaine and now complain of chest pain
stopped drinking abruptly, knowing they have a 20 beer/day habit
tried to swing a punch at me and/or kick me
engaged in irresponsible behavior, expecting a responsible outcome

instead of being an empathic, understanding, level-headed clinician, I want to look into their eyes and scream YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!!!

A bit worrisome

2008-01-17T00:27:00.000-05:00

My roommate told me about an article in yesterday's New York Times entitled "New Bacteria Strain Is Striking Gay Men". It's basically a bug called MRSA that is infecting the MSM population much more frequently than the general population. It does not appear to be dependent on HIV serostatus, but does appear to be at least partially linked to sexual activity.

Check out the article here.

This is obviously a bit worrisome for a few reasons:

1) Unsafe sex continues to be problematic in the MSM population (as well as the general pop.).

2) They didn't know much about HIV/AIDS when it first caught the public's eye; just knew that it was a mysterious infection more commonly found in the MSM population. That sounds a lot like what's going on here.

3) MRSA is not easy to treat (i.e. multi-drug resistant).

Very hopefully, more research will elucidate this situation and maybe it'll turn out to be not that big of a deal. My gut may tell me otherwise, though.

This Is How We Roll

2008-01-10T12:38:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend, I hosted in my apartment a student from Harding University who was coming to New York to check out the city and see what it would be like to live and work here. I've been in that situation before, in my last year of school, so I thought it only fair that someone extend to him the same welcome that was extended to me. That said, I'll admit that I was battling some pre-conceived notions about a Harding kid hanging out with me, Wilber, and Casey for the weekend. What will he think? How uncomfortable will he be? What will we talk about?

The trip went smoothly. We hit up a mixture of tourist sites and everday haps here in the city. We spent time in Brooklyn and Queens (let's hear it for the outer boroughs!), Chelsea (it's the second happiest place on earth, next to Disneyland), lower Manhattan, and Little Italy. He wanted to see the "everyday New York", so I showed him just that. Lots of time on the subway, running errands, running into friends on the street, etc.

We had good conversation about church backgrounds and where we both stand regarding our beliefs in worship. To my surprise, we're not that different. He attends a non-denominational church in Searcy, AR, which blew my mind. I didn't think such churches existed there. That shows my ignorance. He's also done a lot of mission work overseas and has a heart for social justice. Very cool.

We went to CCfB on Sunday morning and he got to see how we roll there. He liked it. Maybe he'll be back someday.

I daresay that the weekend was an eye-opening experience for us both. He changed my idea of what the typical Harding student looks like, and likely I changed his mind of what the typical Christian looks like. Good for both of us.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

2007-12-18T17:06:00.000-05:00

I'm headed home tomorrow to spend eight wonderful days in Central Texas with my family. My semester ended last night and I told physics and organic chemistry goodbye. We've had a strained relationship over the past few months, and in the end, we decided it was best for us to go our separate ways. :)

Texas will be great. My mom is having an "Old-fashion Christmas" this year. It will be perfect, complete with comfort food, lazy days, and sappy Christmas music. Picture Country Living meets Reba McEntire singing "Silent Night". Can't wait! My mom has a theme for the Christmas tree each year. My favorite theme was "Texas Christmas" where the tree was decorated with chili-pepper lights, rope, red bandanas, and a cowboy hat on top. This year, she told me she's decorated the tree with all the ornaments that we boys grew up with. Christmas ornaments are special. I look forward to reminiscing and to the down-time.

all the pretty Circumstance

2007-12-18T16:56:00.000-05:00

My younger brother, Matthew, forwarded this YouTube link to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM

It's really entertaining for those who consider themselves musically-minded. This guy's commentary is dead on. And his thoughts about the cello are my thoughts about playing trombone and about singing bass, for that matter.

In Pachelbel's Canon in D, the cellos have the same eight quarter notes over and over again. Same story for us trombones in the ever-popular graduation song Pomp and Circumstance. We have the same repeated quarter notes throughout the whole piece, and if you've ever played at a graduation, it's about 20 minutes of continuous Pomp ("pomp, pomp, pomp, pomp"). It's a shame that the woodwinds and strings get to play all the pretty Circumstance. Someday, we'll have our moment!

Create Providence

2007-11-05T23:49:00.000-05:00

My friend Hilary had this to say in church, recently:

About two months ago I decided I need to go to Nigeria, to found a non-profit and take a group of artists to work with an orphanage and home for battered women called Susana Homes. I’d had this idea for two years, but it was at the Pepperdine Lectures in early May that the vision snapped into focus. In the weeks that followed, as I drove my parent’s car around California and listened to the new worship CDs we’d acquired that week, I found myself questioning the lyrics to the songs I normally would have embraced wholeheartedly. Nnow, with every worship song I sung along to, I pictured standing on the stage we’re going to build, with my friends, leading worship for the people of these villages. And the words only seemed appropriate for us in our 1st world, developed country lives.

Blessed be your name in the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
And blessed be your name when I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
On the road marker with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

When I sing about the desert place, the wilderness, my road marked with suffering … I am maybe thinking about a time when I felt lonely, my anxiety about my career or finances, breaking up with a boyfriend, or maybe acknowledging that I haven’t been spending as much time with God as I should. And let’s be honest, it’s not all that hard for me to still trust and praise God for his goodness even when I feel uncertain about, say, my career. I do believe He has a plan for me. But for these villages living in extreme poverty? Children who have been orphaned. Women beaten and abused. People without hope that their lives are going to get better. Without opportunity to get out. Just praying for rain, praying there will be enough food, praying their wife won’t be one of the many who die in child birth, praying that they don’t have AIDS and pass it onto their children, praying that God will send them parents and a family. How do they say “Blessed be your name”? I say it in my “desert place” … curled up on my down comforter in my brand new apartment building with my breathtaking view of Manhattan. I trust that the streams of abundance will flow again because they have, because He has provided and He is good. But have these children ever been in a land that is plentiful? Have they ever been just bowled over by the sheer power of streams of abundance?

Hilary has followed through with her vision and has founded a non-profit organization called Create Providence. In short, they are a group of 12 professional artists from here in NYC who are traveling to Nigeria for awhile, sharing their talent and training with children living in extreme poverty in the hope of bringing them greater beauty, joy, creativity, and empowering them to find their own unique voices and gifts.

Each artist needs to raise $3000 to cover the cost of their trip. They leave in January. There is a link on the Create Providence website where you can find out how you can donate money and/or supplies for this endeavor. I am moved by the passion these artists have for their work and how they are using it to glorify Him. Keep the artists of Create Providence bathed in prayer as they prepare for their trip.

There's This UFO...

2007-10-30T21:44:00.001-04:00

Up the street from me, a group of people have constructed a life-size UFO in front of this house. It's part of a "Halloween walk" in the neighborhood, but politically-inspired as well. As you can tell from the photo, the UFO sits in faux graveyard where some of the epitaphs are worth mentioning below. What you can't see from the photos are the aliens that are peeking out of the windows of the surrounding houses. And, the people in these houses have replaced all their lights with green bulbs, so the houses give off this eery glow at night. If you have a chance to stroll through Clinton Hill (right off the Clinton-Washington stop on the G line), you should check it out.

Here Lies Congestion Pricing: the dolts in Albany do not care about the quality of our air

I [heart] NRA: Rest in Pieces

Gonsalez, Scooter, Rove & Rummy: here do turn to waste; worms and bugs don't find them yummy. Oh, creatures of such taste!

Luciano Pavorotti: he has gone to that great all you can sing buffet in the sky. Buon Giorno!

Here Lies myspace.com--abducted by Facebook

Marcel Marceau: 1923-2007; Now he really is trapped in a box

Ya se casaron!

2007-10-25T20:58:00.000-04:00

Mexico was awesome! It's a sanctuary, it's downtime, it's family, it's laughing together, it's home-cooked meals, and all those other wonderful things you love about going back home.

The wedding went off without a hitch. Both ceremonies were great. FYI, in Mexico, there are two parts to getting married: the first ceremony, called the "civil ceremony", happens the day before the religious ceremony. It takes place before a judge. The families are present including two selected "witnesses" for each of the bride and groom, who must sign the wedding certificate. The second ceremony is the traditional church ceremony that we are accustomed to here in the US (barring a few cultural differences). The civil ceremony was on Friday. I was honored to be one of Fer's witnesses. The church wedding was Saturday evening at La Iglesia de Cristo en Sierra Ventana, followed by all-out party at a reception hall.

Check out the pictures I posted.

La boda del siglo

2007-10-15T21:09:00.000-04:00

I'm headed to Monterrey on Thursday this week and cannot wait! It's been over a year since I've been back. I can't wait to see the house, sleep in my bed, eat tacos, and laugh with my brothers. It's been too long since we've seen each other.

My older brother, Fer, is getting married on Saturday. I'm honored to be in the wedding and to share in this day with him and the rest of the Santos family. Please keep Fer and Vero and their marriage in your prayers. Look for pictures here when I get back in town.

Update on Ellen

2007-10-15T20:33:00.000-04:00

Ellen had her surgery last Friday morning. My co-workers and I went to go see her this morning after we got off work. She was awake and able to talk to us and we were grateful for that. According to her, the surgery was a success and went very well. That is very good news.

She was more than a little frustrated with the nursing care she is receiving at the hospital where she had the surgery (won't mention the name, but it's a world-renowned, private hospital). Evidently, their care is not up to par with the nurses at Bellevue (woop! woop!). Guess it's true, that all that glitters is not gold. Bellevue is more like coal, but we try to glitter in our own way.

Thank you all for thoughts and prayers on her behalf. More updates to come.

some thoughts on the Holy Spirit

2007-10-01T14:54:00.000-04:00

Over the past month, I have had some difficult, albeit necessary, conversations with my family regarding homosexuality and, in particular, my life as a gay Christian. We don't agree, as a whole family, on the issue of homosexuality and its place in the life of a Christian. The fact that we don't agree has caused me some stress, some worry, and some requests for prayer, because I have felt like eventual unanimity was very important.

In my Bible reading last week, I came to a new understanding of my decision and my family's decisions, which I will attempt to share here. It involves the Holy Spirit and its role in allowing, in fact demanding, us each to live out wholly the intricacies of our individual salvations. Let me explain.

We (Christians, my family) all believe in the same resurrection. However, our respective Christianities are going to look different beyond that. It wasn't for no good reason that I felt called to leave home and move to New York a few years ago. It was no accident that I came to a crisis point in my life which demanded me to make a decision on how to live out my sexuality as a man of God. My membership in CCfB was also not incidental. Quite the contrary. These events I attribute to the work of the Spirit. It has been the lived experiences of Nate Jones that have allowed me to arrive at my decision. This decision was crucial for my salvation. This issue, more than any other, consumed my life and necessitated a decision that has, in part, shaped my salvation and how I will proceed with my Christianity.

The Spirit didn't call my brothers or my parents to come to New York. It has called them other places, to wrestle with other things that are crucial to their respective salvations. It only now makes sense to me that everyone's salvation will look different because God has created each one of us as individuals, not clones. So, if someone's belief in homosexuality (or any other issue, for that matter) differs from mine, that's okay. If they are decidedly against it or are ambiguous about it, that's okay. For I know what I've decided for myself that is vital to my walk, that allows me to now be outwardly focused, that which is significant to my salvation. For others, they will have their own issues and struggles which are paramount in their salvations, which will be worked out in the course of their lifetimes.

In Philippians chapter 2, Paul writes, "...work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." It is not on our own merit but by God, who gives us the ability, to decide what is good and right and then to act on it, according to our principles (paraphrased, Matthew Henry Commentary).

Let me add this: this line of thought can be a slippery slope. Critics may argue that suddenly anything can become permissible because it is "crucial to someone's salvation." Obviously, salvation is not something to be discussed nonchalantly or worked out cavalierly. We have to trust each other, as Christian brothers and sisters, that anything placed under the umbrella of salvation has been worked through in true pain. It is something that requires perseverent and painstaking care.

My new understanding does not completely absolve me or the church of its responsibility to continue difficult conversations. It does, though, allow for a degree of grace and permission to individualize the process of working out one's salvation.

Ellen

2007-09-18T11:30:00.000-04:00

Friends & Family,

A co-worker of mine, Ellen, desperately needs prayer right now. She has some severe, chronic health problems related to high-dose, internal radiation treatments she received for cancer when she was a very young woman. She has already had multiple surgeries and is scheduled for additional surgery very soon. She is too sick to work, yet working so much each week to try and stay afloat financially.

She is scared for her own life, for her financial well-being, and for her future. Ellen has had a difficult life, full of betrayal and disappointment, and she needs so much to feel loved and to feel some very profound healing.

Please add Ellen to your prayer list, that God will be unmistakably present for her.

RENT

2007-09-02T12:01:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had the opportunity to stand in front of your favorite painting, or hear your favorite song performed live, or listen to an author you love read from his or her book? You know the feeling you get?

Over the years, I have seen a few truly incredible performances. They are unforgettable moments when a performance connects with its audience in a very profound way. Friday night, Aydrea (a friend from LA) and Casey and I went and saw RENT, and it was a performance that will stick with me forever.

I've seen the show a few times before, but this performance was special for these reasons:

(1) Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp, who originated the leads in the show in 1996, are back for a few weeks. To see an original cast is awesome. They can deliver the show in a way that is unparalleled.

(2) Tamyra Gray, of American Idol fame, is also in the cast right now. I've been a fan of hers from the beginning.

(3) Aydrea, through a friend of hers, was able to arrange for us to meet with the stage manager after the show. We got backstage and the stage manager asks us, "Who in the cast would you like to meet?" Seriously, people. We got to choose who we wanted to talk to! So, we each rattled off a couple of names of cast members, and he made it happen. It was awesome. To stand at shoot the breeze with these performers was incredible. They were gracious and kind and genuine. Especially my girl Tamyra. And to shake hands with Broadway legends like Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp was a really big deal for me.

(4) The stage manager then took us on a tour of the set and of backstage. He let us roam on the stage wherever we wanted, explained all the changes that take place backstage during a performance, and let us see all the props and costumes that we cared to see. For people who know the show really well, like Casey, Aydrea and I do, it was quite poignant to be that close to the characters. I was able to walk over to the part of the stage where my favorite character, Collins, sings my favorite song, "I'll Cover You", and just stand there and soak it in. It sounds ridiculous, I know, to say that I made a connection with the character, standing there, but it's true. I will always remember getting to stand there alongside Collins and appreciate what his character stands for and the message his songs deliver. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Thank you Aydrea, your friends, and thank you to the stage manager for making Friday night happen. I'm still floating.

Lessons Learned

2007-08-30T10:48:00.000-04:00

Last week I attended the annual San Antonio Trauma Symposium presented by the National Trauma Institute (NTI). The NTI is a consortium of both civilian and military facilities. The San Antonio symposium is the largest civilian/military symposium of its kind in the nation. Most of the attendees were military personnel with only a smattering of civilians like myself.

Many of the military personnel at the symposium have served in Iraq during this war, some of them very recently. The experience of sitting next to these soldiers during the lectures was poignant. To hear their stories and see their pictures was distressing.

I am against the conflict in Iraq, that is no secret. But, I confess, I have cavalierly spoken against the war and the enlisted men and women. It is one thing to disagree with the war, it is quite another to look down at those serving in the war. One soldier said (paraphrased) to us during a presentation, "We don't like war. We're only doing our jobs the same way that you're doing yours." Wow. I suppose I looked at soldiers as puppets for this administration, or people who had been duped by words like "freedom", "terrorism", and "democracy". That is not the case, I found at first-hand.

After sitting through slideshows of battlefield trauma victims, blast injuries, living conditions of the soldiers, and pictures of Afghani and Iraqi citizens, I gained a new perspective. I still disagree with the war, but I respect very much the men and women in the military who are serving in the war. It is true, their sacrifices are significant and should not be underestimated.

Hymns for Sale

2007-08-06T17:11:00.000-04:00

I'm always in search of the next great CD of hymns for my hymn collection. It's one of my hobbies. Today I found The Harding University Concert Choir's "Most Requested Traditional Hymns". It's terrific, and is available on iTunes. Pepperdine University also has a group called Wave of Grace that has three albums of standard a capella hymns, not on iTunes, but available here. Of course, Acappella has tons of albums available, but their hymns have generally been spiced up a little bit (tempo fluctuations, vocal percussion, etc).

Additionally, The Zoe Group and Hallal also have great worship music, though their music is a little more contemporary. If you're looking for hymns the way you sung them growing up, one of the first two groups I mentioned is your best bet, in my opinion.

Songs of the Church

2007-07-30T10:20:00.000-04:00

Wilber came over last night after church and after we ate dinner we sat down at my piano to sing some hymns. It's what all normal couples do, right? He had expressed interest in learning the tenor line to some songs we sing at church. He has a great ear, so only a few times going through these melodies and he had them down perfect. The last song we sang together was Tis Midnight, and on Olive's Brow. Playing the piano and listening to Wilber sing, I had tears running down my face. I finally felt like my two worlds were reconciled: me with Wilber, me with Jesus in the garden. Now, the three of us there together. What peace, God.

Un amour à taire

2007-07-28T15:38:00.000-04:00

Wilber and I recently watched this French film, Un amour à taire (A Love To Hide), that was recommended to me by Netflix. It was, at once, beautiful and awful. It is set in Paris during World War II and tells the story of two men, their secret homosexual relationship and their assistance in helping a Jewish woman escape Nazi persecution. It also comments on the abuse, torture, experimentation and execution of homosexuals at the hands of the Gestapo. It was a powerful film that introduced me to an aspect of Nazi persecution that I was never taught about in school. Until this movie, I was ignorant about the treatment of gay men during the war. In history, we were taught about the yellow star that Jews were made to wear, but never about the pink triangle. Unbelievable.

The final scene in the movie is incredible and gives whole new meaning to the power of music. The director did a remarkable job with the score and the setting and the political commentary. If you have some time to lend to learning about historical civil injustices, rent this film.

Midtown Blast

2007-07-19T09:07:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you've read or heard about the blast that occurred in midtown yesterday evening. It was truly unlike anything I've ever seen, save the pictures I saw on TV on 09/11. I was on my way to work yesterday and switched trains at Grand Central Station, evidently right before the explosion happened. When I got off the train, two stops later, people were lined in the middle of the street staring at the sky and I looked up and saw the smoke billowing. It was one of those feelings -- "Oh my God, what's happening?" I rushed to work at Bellevue because we are the closest Trauma Center in the area and I knew the wounded would be taken there.

When I arrived, the hospital was already in disaster-mode. Our ICU was being evacuated to make room for incoming victims, the emergency nurses were outside in haz-mat suits to decon the wounded, and everyone was rushing to prepare for whatever was about to roll in. Most of the victims brought to Bellevue were "treat & release" patients. Fortunately, we only had a couple that were critically injured.

The feeling around the hospital last night was very intense. People were more heightened, more emotional, in crisis mode. The surgeons especially were slammed overnight. We kept the news on all night long, listening for updates or alerts. I did not realize how large the blast was until the pictures started coming in online and one of my patients was describing the scene to me. It was awful. I hesitate to say it, but the whole feeling around the event reminded me of how 09/11 looked.

I go to bed this morning a little on edge, realizing that life is so short and no moment is taken for granted. You just never know.

Tahoka, TX

2007-07-16T13:40:00.000-04:00

I got to spend four wonderful days last week with the Hays family in Tahoka, Texas. It was really good for my soul to be back in Texas, even if only for a little while. As soon as I landed at DFW, I breathed an audible sigh of relief as I looked out the window onto the Texas sky. There's no place like Texas.

Spending time with Joe, Laura, Sophia, Ira, Katie, Lance, Jack, Lydia, Jackie, Ryan, Isaac, Joey, Joe Francis and Glo was awesome. Really awesome! I laughed a lot, ate home-cooked meals, drank sweet iced tea, sat on the backporch swing, soaked in the hot tub, played the Wii, and enjoyed so much the company of old and new friends. I felt completely relaxed and completely at home, and I owe that to the hospitality and genuineness of everyone there.

My brother Josh and I were talking about my trip before I left, and how it's places like Tahoka that we would prefer to visit on vacation rather than the beach or the mountains or someplace exotic. It's the truth. Let me feast my eyes on the cotton fields, drive the open road, take in the vast night sky, stop at the John Deere dealership, and spend quality time with people I love, and I'll be a happy man.

Five years and counting

2007-07-05T13:36:00.000-04:00

Last week marked my five year anniversary of living in New York. Different people will offer their opinions on what anniversary makes you a New Yorker: 2 years, 5 years, 7 years. I'm going with 5 years.

Here are some things I've learned after five years here in the city:

1) God goes before you and with you everywhere. The community I have in New York is unlike most I've encountered before.

2) The Lord works in powerful ways. Ask me five years ago if I would've thought I would be where I am today? No way.

3) Relationships are the key to survival here. The people I work with, go to school with, go to church with, eat with, and share life with are what makes living here wonderful.

4) 34th Street, the subway during rush hour, and Times Square are best to be avoided if at all possible.

5) Absence makes the heart grow fonder and stronger. I miss my family more than I can put into words. But my relationship with them is deeper and more precious than before.

6) The outer boroughs are the place to be. Brooklyn and Queens, you over a sanctuary for which I am so grateful.

7) The last five years would have been so much more difficult without Casey. We celebrate holidays and Tuesdays, laugh a lot, cry sometimes, and generally have a good time just being around each other.

8) Living here is cool. I still get excited when I see the Statue of Liberty at sunset or see the Chrysler building all lit up at night. What a great town.

Thanks to the BK, Central Park, the Daily News, the G train, bodegas, fresh mouths, shopping cart escalators, the Mets, immigrant populations, and so much more for keeping life interesting. Five years together and counting...

Happy Birthday, Mother

2007-06-28T13:06:00.001-04:00

Today is my mother's 53rd birthday. For those of you who have not met my mother, Ruthie Jones, you should add it to your list of things to do.

She is love, she is peace, she is grace. She embodies home and family and the things in life that are good and true. She is a mother unlike most who I have met. The heart that she has for her sons is incredible. Her compassion for her fellow man is beyond measure. This is evidenced by her work as a hospital chaplain, and the way she conducts herself with those who are in need. Growing up, her prayer was often for God to "bless those who are sick, sad, or hungry."

The faith I have in God I attribute largely to the way she and my dad raised me. Trust in God, He is faithful to his promises. Never stop loving your brothers. You boys are each other's worlds. These are just some of the things she taught us growing up.

When I was in college, she would host weekly dinner's at her house on Tuesday night's for me, my brothers, and whoever we knew that needed a home-cooked meal. Ruthie Tuesdays, she called them. Her door was always open for anyone who needed anything. That's her way.

Mother, today Josh, Jen, Matthew, Sienna, Wilber and I honor you and celebrate your birthday with you. Break out the cake and the Blue Bell! It's time for a party!

What Does Your Heaven Look Like?

2007-06-10T20:58:00.000-04:00

Heaven is totally overrated. It seems boring. Clouds, listening to people play the harp. It should be somewhere you can’t wait to go, like a luxury hotel. Maybe blue skies and soft music were enough to keep people in line in the 17th century, but Heaven has to step it up a bit. They’re basically getting by because they only have to be better than Hell.

-- Joel Stein, Columnist for the Los Angeles Times.

I appreicate this quote, because I've fantasized for many years about what heaven will be like. I'm of the mind that heaven is different things for different people. Eternal bliss may be we walks on the beach for some, rainy days with a good book for others, or for others still, singing the famed everlasting song.

I've given this a lot of thought, and my heaven looks like this, so far:

1) There is a dress code. White tops and khaki bottoms. Now, you can wear those colors in whatever garment you choose, but the dress code must be adhered to. It just looks sharp. Imagine, new people arriving in heaven every day, how impressed they'll be with how nice everyone looks. For my personal eternal ensemble, I'll be in khaki shorts and a white polo. Breezy, yet classic.

2) There will be an everlasting song, but you don't have to sing if you don't want to. The angel band (or, choir) will be singing forever. If you want to step on the risers and sing for awhile, then by all means do so. If you're not feeling like singing for eternity, don't feel obligated. Me, I'll be rotating in to sing at least once a "day".

3) The glory of the Lord will be revealed during the last couple of minutes of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. It's powerful, exciting, and triumphant. On the day I arrive, I'll be escorted into an auditorium where a symphony is playing. The Lord is the conductor and his back is turned to the audience. When the music climaxes toward the end of the piece (with the entrance of the low brass), He will turn around, arms outstretched, revealing His glory. The moment will be accompanied by pageantry unprecedented. Lights, fireworks, flags, cheers and applause. Afterwards, there will be appetizers, coffee and dessert served in the lobby.

What about you? Have you thought about it? What does your heaven look like?

"A Time To Embrace"

2007-06-09T17:06:00.000-04:00

I recently finished reading William Stacy Johnson's A Time To Embrace: Same-Gender Relationships in Religion, Law, and Politics. I was contemplating reviewing the book here on this blog, but my friend Jen did a beautiful review in her own blog here, much more eloquent than I could do. Please, check out her review and please, read this book. It is very important.

Taylor, The Latte Boy

2007-05-31T15:26:00.000-04:00

This is cute.

Only in New York

2007-05-24T18:21:00.000-04:00

Last night, Wilber and I were out to dinner at this little sidewalk cafe not far from my apartment. All of a sudden, a blood-curdling scream comes from this woman across the street. This scream was such that I jumped up from my table and people inside the rest came running out to see what was wrong with this woman.

Turns out, she was walking her dog and passed this guy walking his dog and the two dogs got into it a little bit. They had somehow locked jaws. This woman was hysterical. "Get him off! Oh my God! Get him off! You're going to have to pay for this! You'll have to pay for this!"

The guy walking his dog was an older gentleman, so now he's all shook-up on account of this young woman's screaming. Now, add the furious woman who lives in the apartment building in front of where all of this is taking place. She comes out and starts yelling (in her best native-Brooklyn speak) at the young woman for making such a scene and drawing people out of their homes with her hysterics. The young woman proceeds to call 911 to report the whole situation. Not really sure what she's going to report, but she calls nonetheless. In two minutes time, NYPD shows up followed by an unmarked police car which speeds up to the scene, parks in the middle of the intersection, and the two cops bolt out of the car.

Wait, it gets better. Then the paramedics show up. Not kidding. The ambulance arrives and they hop out so now we have: the young woman in hysterics, the Brooklynite woman yelling at her, the older gentleman shaking his head, 4 cops, 2 paramedics, and street corners full of bystanders. It was really quite the scene.

After everyone collected themselves and the unmarked police car sped away squealing its tires (not kidding), the girl at the table to Wilber and me leans over and says, "I don't what the big deal is. Besides, that woman's dog probably said something bitchy to the other dog anyway." Only in New York, my friends, only in New York.

My Music

2007-05-18T23:37:00.000-04:00

Next to God, music is the thing that is nearest to me at all times in my life. I've got a song in my head all day, everyday, from morn til night. It's part of what makes me me. A co-worker once asked me, "Can't you ever stop singing?" The answer to that is no. The ceasing of my singing will signal my passing.

Music is my therapy. It's the way I decompress, veg out, connect to God, connect to other people or events. Whenever I return home from someplace I've been, from a particular experience, I continue to relate to said experience via the music associated with it. It helps me not go into withdrawal for the people or emotions that surrounded the experience.

The last two weeks I was in Virginia, I drove around in my dad's 3/4 ton extended-cab long-bed 4x4 pickup. It was freakin' awesome. A man's vehicle, no doubt. The songs I played continuously, that I'm playing as we speak, are Jars of Clay's "Redemption Songs" and "I Need You" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. They are the songs that connect me to my dad and to my brothers (who were in the pickup with me).

What's your method of connecting to past experiences? If it's music, feel free to share a few of the songs you've turned to.

The Last Two Weeks

2007-05-15T15:38:00.000-04:00

I arrived back in New York last night after having been away for a couple of weeks in northern Virginia with my family.

Long story short: My dad has bacterial endocarditis. The particular bacteria causing his infection has only been documented twice before in medical literature. His doctors are baffled by this bug and where Daddy picked it up. The infection caused an aneurysm in his brain which leaked and had to be repaired. His aortic valve and part of the heart muscle itself also had to be replaced. Nasty infection, really. After two surgeries, less than a week apart, he is recovering remarkably with no neurologic deficits. He'll be on IV antibiotics for the next couple of months at home, but that's okay. I'm grateful that he's on this side of those operations. I love you, Daddy.

My entire family flew in to be with my dad during these last two weeks. It was beyond wonderful to spend time with them, especially Josh and Matthew. I miss my brothers. We're already making plans to move back nearer each other.

Fairfax Church of Christ, where my dad and Sharon attend, was incredible in their support of my dad and the rest of the Joneses. They spent the nights in the ICU waiting room, just to be on hand for us. They brought meals to wherever we were. They donated an entire house to my family so that we could move in for as long as we needed and not have to worry about hotel expenses. They took off work to take care of us. It was really moving to seem them serve, as one body. I will cherish their relationship to my family.

My own church family at CCfB was wonderful in their support. Countless emails and text messages reminded me that I was not alone and that our family was covered in prayer. I felt that. Thank you Father for the people in our lives who give of themselves and who let us know they care. May I extend that same spirit of service to others.

2007 AIDS Walk New York

2007-04-25T17:17:00.000-04:00

May 20, 2007 is the date for this year's AIDS Walk New York in Central Park. I will be walking as a part of the Christ's Church for Brooklyn (CCfB) team. We're participating in this event as one of our 'hands & feet' projects, by being Christ's hands and feet through service to our neighbors.

I will be walking in support and memory of many patients of mine who have succumbed to AIDS since I began my nursing career. I also will walk to support Gay Men's Health Crisis and the work that they do here in the city.

If you would like some more information about the walk, or if you care to make a dontation, check out this link: https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=216438&lis=0&kntae216438=6232814FB3B84A6587F4BFC04B55B94B&supId=172287208

I've got the joy joy joy joy

2007-04-23T10:48:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling joyful, just like that song I used to sing in Sunday school. This past weekend was awesome and served as a retreat for me. The feeling I have today is the same one I have after I've come back from a church retreat or a weekend away: refreshed and joyful.

Friday, I got to hang out with Joe and Laura and Ira, and their company is invaluable. Saturday was Ira's birthday and we had a rockin' good time at his party. Yesterday was the MS walk and I got to spend the entire day with friends from church while we walked, worshiped, and then had dinner together. And through it all, the skies were blue and the sun was shining, and I didn't have to wear a coat! I can't ask for much more than that. Right now, I'm walking on sunshine, ohohoh.

Virginia Tech

2007-04-19T18:35:00.000-04:00

The thing that bothers me the post about the incident at Virginia Tech earlier in the week are the headlines in the newspapers: Madman, Face of Evil, Psycho Killer and the like. My initial thought on seeing this student's picture in the newspaper was What must have happened to him? What did he suffer through? Was it mental illness untreated? What was his life like that got him to the point of murder?

I'm not of the mind that anyone is evil. We are all children of God, and any one of us is capable of despicable action. While I'm floored by what happened and grieve with the victims' families, I also grieve at the loss of the shooter's life and wonder what, if anything, could have been said to him or demonstrated to him that would have kept him from resorting to such outrageous action.

Grieving The Loss

2007-04-10T18:25:00.000-04:00

More often than not, our lives are not what we expected them to be, when we, as kids, imagined ourselves grown-up. Every person, at some point, must grieve the loss of the life they imagined for themself. This is what I'm going through right now.

The life that I have now is not what I dreamt it would be like. When I was a younger, I dreamt I would graduate from Harding University, be married with a wife and children, living somewhere in Texas, serving as a worship leader for a large church, living comfortably in a house on some land, my family and I being pillars of the church. Things are the things I wanted for myself. Being gay, living in New York, having no children, working as a nurse, these things were never part of my dream.

I'm mourning now the loss of my dream. It will never come true, and I understand that and it's a better thing in the end, as I'm living more true to myself. God has brought me to where I am and I trust Him. But that doesn't mean that it still doesn't sting sometimes. It stung a little more than usual this past week when I went to go visit by older brother Josh and his family in Searcy. In many ways, he has the life that I wanted. That sucks a little bit, for me.

People who do not take the time to mourn the loss of their dream life, dream job, dream spouse, etc., will find disappointment over and over again as reality does not match their dream. The important thing is that I need to meet God where He is and follow His lead.

Meredith Vieira

2007-03-28T09:22:00.000-04:00

I really, really like Meredith Vieira. I suppose it's one of my OGTs. I used to watch The View so I could hang out with Meredith during "Hot Topics". She's my favorite! So it wasn't that surprising when I dreamt about her a couple of nights ago.

In my dream, she and I ran into each other at the ABC Studios Christmas Party. I don't know why either one of us was there, or why the party was being held in March, or why we weren't at the NBC Christmas party, but such was the case. So I see her come into the lobby (the party was in a swanky hotel) and I immediately go over to her and start the "I'm your biggest fan...I love you on the Today show...I've been watching you for years" speech. She was so gracious and gave me a big hug and told me how kind I was and how glad she was to meet me. She also looked really fantastic, in this floor-length, dark green, long-sleeved dress. I was beaming, in my dream. I woke up excited to have met her, and can only hope that someday I will actually meet her. I think she's lovely and if she and I ever meet in person, I'll take a picture and post it here. If you're lucky.

Everett Joshua Jones

2007-03-21T23:44:00.000-04:00

Please meet my new nephew, Everett Joshua Jones, born this morning at 3:46am. Jen is doing great, and it seems that Campbell and Warner approve of their new little brother. How proud I am to be an uncle, again, and to welcome another Jones boy into this world!!

Sign of the Times

2007-03-12T14:30:00.000-04:00

Each week, Sports Illustrated has a little blurb called "Sign of the Apocalypse" that tells about something absurd, embarrassing, etc. that happened in sports news in the previous week, indicating that the world is, in fact, as bad as it seems. It's meant to be funny. Perhaps you've seen it.

Today, I offer you my own sign of the apocalypse or Sign of the Times. Something I read about in today's Wall Street Journal:

Remember how, when you were a kid and you lost a tooth, the tooth fairy came to visit? Perhaps she left a coin to prove that she had come to visit in the night and likewise to illustrate the point that losing a tooth isn't quite so traumatic...you can make a profit in the end. Usually, at my house, she left a quarter. And not every time, either.

According to a recent survey by eBeanstalk.com, the average per tooth payment nowadays is $2.64. One father said his son gets $5 for his first lost tooth and $3 for every lost tooth thereafter. Some kids pocket $10 or more per tooth. Inflation now affects tooth fairy money? You've got to be kidding me.

I'm not old, by any means. But I feel like saying, "Kids these days...they don't know how easy they've got it."

Two Weeks movie

2007-03-11T18:18:00.000-04:00

Last night I went and saw this new film Two Weeks. I hadn't seen it advertised on TV, just happened to see it mentioned in a magazine this week. What a beautiful movie. It tells the story (this much you get from the trailer; I'm not giving anything away here) of a woman who is dying of ovarian cancer, and her four grown children who come home to be with her during her last two weeks of life.

I like this movie because it is not cheesy or sappy, and the dying process isn't glamorized. It isn't full of religious or spiritual hope. It is very true to life, though. The folks who made this movie did a wonderful job with their portrayal of someone actively dying of cancer. Clearly they did their research. It's not a pretty movie nor is it a feel-good movie. It is less Steel Magnolias and more Wit. It's worth seeing, but maybe when you're feeling subject to a powerful emotional response.

New house

2007-03-06T12:52:00.000-05:00

Thanks be to God, I found a great apartment last night and was able to rent it right there on the spot. I'll be sharing the place with two other guys, so I look forward to the community. The rent is great, the area is great, and I'll have a place where I am welcome and so are those who are close to me. I'll be out of my current place next week.

Thank you for comments, prayers, and words of support. You are incredible.

Me tengo que mudar de casa

2007-02-27T13:15:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting conversation with my landlady yesterday, who is also a friend of mine. She's a Christian, so am I, so we share that in common. She had left a note inside my apartment yesterday morning asking me to stop by and see her when I got a chance, so I went directly. I had somethings I wanted to talk to her about as well, as she had been helped herself into the apartment at 5am yesterday morning, turned on the hall light, woke me up, and made a comment about how the electricity bill was higher than it should be on account of me and my space heater. Then she walked back out. Needless to say, I was irked.

A little background info: Wilber stays over sometimes at my apartment. It doesn't mean that we're "up to no good" or engaging in debauchery. It's just that he lives in Queens, I in Brooklyn, and sometimes it's more convenient to stay over than to make the hour plus commute back home on the subway late at night.

She told me that she has rules for the apartment and one of them is that "significant others" are not allowed to spend the night. She said it has been the rules for all the previous tenants and it applies to me as well. Wilber is not allowed to stay the night. I calmly explained to her that I am an adult, capable of making my own decisions, paying my rent on time, and for her to interfere with that part of my life seems unfair. I already have a mother who takes does her job very well. I don't need another one.

I explained that I'm a Christian and make my daily decisions as such and do not believe that Wilber's staying over dishonors God. She disagrees. She has a moral objection to my homosexual orientation and my relationship. She told me that if I am not willing to abide by her rules for the apartment, then I am "at will to go live somewhere else." In other words, if I want to keep seeing Wilber and have him over in my home, then I best be on my way.

I was 1) ticked off 2) insulted 3) hurt 4) annoyed 5) ticked off again. This was the cylce of my emotions yesterday. I told her kindly, calmly, that I would likely be searching for another place to live, as her rules seemed unfair. I am not her child, I am her tenant.

I was torn up yesterday. There's this voice in my head that says "This is God telling you to wakeup, that your relationship with Wilber is not okay with Him." I hate this voice, God, how I hate it. It haunts me and eats at me and at times attempts to destroy me. It says, "Dig in deeper, hold on stronger, you can overcome anything..." It's the voice of twisted Christianity telling me I'm impure and unwhole and an abomination. I blame it on the Church, on Satan, on my own insecurities in my faith. It's wrong. It does not come from God.

The other voice says, this apartment was a blessing while it lasted, but now it's time to move on in life. Change of venue. Let's go with grace, Nate.

On my knees last night, the tears began to come and I realized the thing that hurt the most from my conversation with my landlady was the implication that her Christianity is better than mine, that she has the right answers, that she speaks as the moral authority in my life. I am angered by her insinuation that I am not the Christian I ought to be, that my beliefs are tainted, that my faith is something less than hers. I am frustrated by her judgement, coming from a sister in Christ.

So, I'll be looking for a new place to live now. Someplace where I am welcome and Wilber is welcome and hopefully, the owner/super won't come vist before 8am. I appreciate prayers.

Amazing Grace

2007-02-21T13:59:00.000-05:00

This coming Friday, February 23, marks the release of the highly anticipated movie Amazing Grace. I saw the trailer for this movie a couple of months ago and promised right then that I would see the movie. The trailer had me in tears on account of the powerful music. Pipes and drums are among the most beautiful, regal, yet simple expressions of music. I'm very much looking forward to seeing it this weekend.

Coupled with the release of the movie is a campaign entitled The Amazing Change. The purpose of this campaign, in short, is to abolish modern-day slavery. Check out the website. Sign the petition. Get involved.

More about the movie and the campaign in the days to come.

Say It With A Mix-Tape

2007-02-19T16:42:00.001-05:00

This past Wednesday was mine and Wilber's four-month anniversary. It also coincided with Valentine's Day, so a gift was in order. What is the appropriate gift for the four-month anniversary? Paper? Wood? A mix-tape? Ah, yes. That's the one.

I like mix-taps a whole lot. Folks these days have the playlist equivalent, but I like the idea of the tape/CD itself. Something tangible. I also am keenly aware of music and its capacity to evoke emotion and I like to share that with others. So, I made Wilber a mix-tape. Cheesy, a bit. But very sweet. Here's a few of the songs I included:

A Love That Will Never Grow Old (Emmylou Harris)
All I Ask Of You (Phantom of the Opera)
Annie's Song (John Denver)
Let It Be Me (Willie Nelson)
Somewhere (West Side Story)

So how about you? Have you ever given or received a mix-tape? What was on it? Or what's on your favorite playlist, if pre-ipod music technology escaped you?

Transparency

2007-02-01T13:28:00.000-05:00

I'm reading a new book right now. It's a Christian book. This is the first book I've ever read by this particular author. Her work comes highly recommended by another author that I like, so I decided to give her stuff a try.

The characteristic that strikes me most about this author is her transparency. She's a Christian, first. However, her writing style is unlike most contemporary Christian authors. She drops the f-bomb a lot, openly resents (though strives to love and forgive) the Bush White House, speaks about how at times she is so angry and confused with her son that she wants to hurt him, and writes candidly about her life before she was clean and sober.

This stuff was a distraction for me, initially. How very un-Christlike of her to say those words, think those thoughts. Then the Lord checked my attitude on the 3 train, coming home from school this morning. Nate, she's real, she's genuine, she says and does the same things you do. Only she doesn't hide it. She is transparent in her life.

I try to be transparent, but often am not.

When I read my Christian books on the train, I secretly feel holy as I look around at what others are reading. How very phariseic of me.
When I see people on the street, I judge them by the color of their skin. I don't want to, and I resent the society I grew up in that still favors segregation, despite what we say.
When I pray, I use nice words and follow formulas. God desires a genuine heart in prayer, no matter how ugly, broken, angry, or reverent I am feeling.
I give away money to people so they will like me.

God desires transparency in all things, I'm learning. I am transparent with my family because they are the people I love most in the world, and sharing together keeps us all humble. Christ's Church for Brooklyn is transparent. We bare all to each other, and it's ugly and beautiful.

God, that we would all be transparent in our lives. Withholding shame, judgement, and pretense. That we would present ourselves to You and to one another as we ought. Forgive us when we do not.

Blue Like Jazz

2007-01-29T13:05:00.000-05:00

I've recently finished reading Blue Like Jazz again. This is one of my favorite books, and one that is necessary for me to re-read every few months. It is full of things that are true. Each time I finish reading the book, I feel close to Don Miller (the author). I want to meet him somewhere for coffee. I imagine us having a lot to talk about, stories to compare. We would laugh some and probably cry together, too, as we ponder the depths of God's love. He's on my list of people I want to meet someday.

I take away something different with each read of the book. The idea that struck me this time is worth sharing here.

When I wake up each morning, I must die to myself.

This is the way to serve, to love, to follow Christ. It's not my show, it's someone else's.

Miller writes:

I was in San Francisco recently staying at this bed and breakfast place for people who are in the city to do ministry. It was a small house, but there were
probably fifteen people living there at the time. The guy who ran the place,
Bill, was always making meals or cleaning up after us, and I took note of his
incredible patience and kindness. I noticed that not all of us did our dishes
after a meal, and very few people thanked him for cooking. One morning, before
anybody woke up, Bill and I were drinking coffee at the dining room table. I
told him I lived with five guys and that it was very difficult for me because I
liked my space and I needed my privacy. I asked him how he kept such a good
attitude all of the time with so many people abusing his kindness. Bill set down
his coffee and looked me in the eye. "Don," he said. "If we are not willing to
wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves
whether or not we are really following Jesus."

This guy, Bill, has got it right on.

Be Still and Know

2007-01-20T01:01:00.000-05:00

I'm not very good and being still and just letting life happen. I'm the type that's always in search of the next dream, the next challenge, the next distraction. I have ideas for why this is true about myself, but I won't divulge them here.

Becoming a nurse, moving to NYC, moving to Mexico, starting grad school, dropping out of grad school, going to medical school........ see a pattern? I don't regret any of the aforementioned and believe that each of them happened with a purpose, but my methodology may leave something to be desired.

In preparation for the MCAT in April, I've had some serious anxieties about the material that's required of me, largely due to the fact that I have not yet finished my pre-med requirements. On the advice of some friends of mine who are in their residencies, I could sit for the MCAT without having actually finished the courses that teach the material that will be covered on the exam. Sounds like a plan, I thought. Let's get the ball rolling. Get a prep course, sit for the exam, apply to medical school, get accepted, start medical school ASAP to get out ASAP and get on with my life ASAP. But why? Why is this country so obsessed with the end result? Why do we value forward progress above contentment? Why is waiting a year considered wasting a year?

After a lot of internal dialogue, prayer, and conversations with those closest to me, I think I've decided to slow it down a bit and do all of this at a more relaxed pace. It just make sense. There's no rush. I'm embarking on a serious journey, and it necessitates careful thought and adequate preparation on all fronts. Learning, absorbing, and applying new knowledge takes time. More time than the 12 weeks I was allowing myself. Additionally, I'm in a new relationship that needs me to be there, and asking him for something less was selfish, regardless of his willingness to sacrifice.

A dear friend prayed for me at church a few weeks ago, that my current study/class schedule would be somehow re-arranged to allow me to be at church each week. I have thought of that prayer often the last few weeks, and wondered if that's what's going on here. Through her prayer, God is opening my eyes and telling me to be still and know.

The words and the melody are both simple. I daresay that was not an accident.

Be still and know that I am God
Be still and know that I am God
Be still and know that I am God

April 7, 2007

2007-01-08T23:37:00.000-05:00

It's for real now, this MCAT thing. I have to admit that having an actual test date (see the subject line) is at the same time motivating, anxiety-producing, and exciting. This step in my life has been many years in the making and I'm looking forward to what lies beyond the exam. Surrounded by God, my family, my Wilber, and my friends, here goes!

At class the other day, one of the other students asked me how I planned to respond to the question, "Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a nurse." I've given this question a lot of thought, but am still working on the perfect answer ( I suppose I have a few months). Things that come to mind are: power to try and bring about change, work toward alleviation of healthcare disparties in the US and globally, mission work, always seeking the next challenge. I've been told to steer away from "I've always wanted to be a doctor" and "When ________ died in my family, it made me realize..."

I've never been one to walk alone, and I don't plan to start right now. So, I open the above question up to you. What would you say? What have you said when asked about switching careers, taking on new challenges, moving to new places?

Comfort and Joy

2006-12-12T16:13:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday at church, Joe was preaching on the subject of Advent and the anticipation of the birth of Christ. He segued into his thoughts about the anticipation of the return of Christ to the earth. The birth of Christ was highly anticipated and, apart from Herod and his cronies, maybe many looked forward to it with hope and joy. Not fear. Luke 2 tells us that the angel appeared to the shepherds and said, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people."

When Christ comes again, though, it has not been described as an event to look to with anticipation. There will be no great joy, there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth, I've been told. Fear the Lord, keep His commandments. Is your life right with God? Where will you spend eternity? I've looked to Christ's return to the earth with fear. I daresay I am not alone here.

Joe told church on Sunday, look to the return of Christ with comfort. Look to the return of Christ with peace in your heart. It's gonna be a good thing. Not a good thing like, yee-haw, we're all saved and all of you are not! A good thing because He will bring comfort to a world that knows too well the sorrows of discomfort. Peace will come with Christ. Suffering will cease. Joy will abound.

Sunday, December 10, 2006, was the first time in my Christian life that someone dared to suggest that we look to the return of Christ in the same manner in which the shepherds and wisemen looked to His birth. Talk about a paradigm shift. Comfort and joy? Like the angel said, Do not be afraid. It has been a very long time since I have been so struck by someone's words.

Thank you Joe for you boldness, for your wisdom, for your peace, comfort, and joy.

The Red Party

2006-12-12T15:59:00.000-05:00

P. Diddy has his annual White Party. This year, I co-hosted my first Red Party. It was a huge success if I may say so myself. 20+ church friends gathered for food, hot-spiced wine, party games, Christmas carols, and a little salsa dancing, too. Check out the pics.

God Answers Prayer

2006-12-03T23:30:00.000-05:00

Over the last two months at church, we have hosted a couple of fellowship dinners at the local YWCA where we rent our meeting space. We looked to these dinners as a time of meeting new faces, welcoming these residents of the Y, and maybe even providing a church home for some who were looking for that. We prayed about it, for God to open doors and bless us with this opportunity, and He did. But maybe not in the way we presupposed.

There's a woman who has come the last two weeks who has no shame and telling you, upon meeting you, "I'm bipolar." She also has reported, in so many words, that she isn't taking her prescribed medications, and it is evident by her behaviors. Among others, she interrupts our silence during the sermon with observations about the texts, frequently speaks in non-sequiturs, or gets up and paces around the room at the prompting of whatever voices she may or may not here. I'm not making fun here, I'm speaking as a professional.

There was the woman in the front row who didn't know here Old Testament from her New Testament and kept shouting, "What? Where's that?" during the Scripture reading.

Or how about the other woman, also seated in the front row, who coughed/sneezed/expectorated into her hand for most of the service, and then reached for a handful of communion bread as the tray went by, without ever having sanitized those hands.

I think it's great. We prayed for people, and God sent them. They don't look like us, they don't act like us, and that's wonderful. God's little way of saying, "You want to serve my people? Here they are, as I created them. Now love them, church."

Can I get an Amen?

Take the N Train

2006-12-01T14:57:00.000-05:00

How delighted was I last night when a brand new N train rolled in to my subway stop at 36th Street. It's shiny, it's computerized, it's angular. It's HUGE on the inside, making the ride much more comfortable. And it's super fast. I made it from my stop in Brooklyn to 57th Street in Manhattan in 25 minutes! Yee-haw!

If you see a new N train, please hop on and take a ride for a stop or 5. It's awesome!

Fun facts about subway riding in NYC

Bush Calls For Immediate Withdrawal Of Troops

2006-11-29T08:46:00.000-05:00

Violence is escalating in Iraq. It's now being dubbed a "civil war" by NBC News and I'm sure others. The number of US soldiers who have died is approaching 3000. We, the Democrats, want the troops home and we want them home now. This will largely solve the problem in Iraq, or so we believe. The immediate withdrawal of troops (IWOT, my name) is something that united us through the midterm elections and it has become a buzzphrase as of late.

I read an article this week that made me question whether or not the IWOT is actually the most prudent action. The point was raised in the article that maybe what Iraq needs right now to curtail increasing violence is the presence of more US troops instead of less. Some argue that there are not enough US soldiers there right now to adequately do what needs to be done and thus the civil violence spins out of control. I hadn't thought about it that way before.

Or that more troops are needed to stay there longer in order to properly train the Iraqi army in the ways of whatever we're training them to be/do. Again, I hadn't considered this before.

I'm not saying I'm backing Bush or agreeing with his commitment to keep troops in Iraq. But I am saying that toeing the party line isn't always the best action. It's fun to rally behind a cause and makes us feel united, especially because we are a generation keen on protesting, regardless of the issue. However, we/I might not completely understand the ramifications of IWOT or other political actions we speak out against. I have to remind myself to consider what is involved in a political action or decision and must understand other vantage points beyond my own before I can fairly denounce everything un-Democratic.

I Thought It Was Over

2006-11-26T14:39:00.000-05:00

In the last few weeks, I have been blown away by a few incidents of blatant bigotry and racism that I have encountered.

Waiting outside my classroom at school the other day, I overheard a group of my classmates telling Holocaust jokes and other anti-Semitic remarks. Not in jest, they were very serious.

In line a couple of weeks ago to see Josh Groban, the group of people in front of me was mocking the names that "those people" have. They were speaking about the African-American girls that were also there waiting in line. I'm sure the girls heard what was being said about them.

A good friend was telling me last night about her Thanksgiving. She had gone to visit her in-laws. She is Christian, they are Muslim. She was ridiculed for being a Christian, she was called "dirty", among other racial slurs.

Each of these may seem innocuous, but I disagree. It's inexcusable. However, I'll be the first to confess that I didn't say anything in either of the situations I overheard. I was shocked, but I didn't do anything about it. That's as good as condoning it, right?

Makes me call into question my own biases and prejudices and re-examine them.? How much joke-telling can be dismissed as "all in good fun"?

Avenue Q http://www.avenueq.com/ has a song called "Everyone's A Little Bit Racist". So say the lyrics :

Everyone's a little bit racist / Today. / So, everyone's a little bit racist / Okay! / ethnic jokes might be uncouth, / But you laugh because / They're based on truth. / Don't take them as / Personal attacks. / Everyone enjoys them - So relax!

I feel like this is the pervasive feeling out there and so a lot of inexcusable jokes/comments are excused. If we all agree to not listen to these kinds of jokes, then they'll stop. But we (I) have to take a stand. Thoughts?